Author's note:

Hi there,

I originally posted this story (titled 'My Secret), on the fanfiction.net website.

I decided that the story needed to be re-written, and not only re-written for consistency, but also re-written in the second person, rather than the first person! so I withdrew the original story.

Quite a few people expressed annoyance that the original was gone, so I created this site to allow them access to the original. The new story can be found here:

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4134137/1/Beyond_the_Secret_Garden

So I am using this blog as a means of posting fanfiction that I have decided to withdraw from fanfiction.net. I will also use it (at times) to post new stories, concerning characters from the Secret Garden - or characters and stories from other books or sources of inspiration!

By the way, I am not making any money from this venture - These are Frances Hodgson Burnett's characters (mostly). I am merely playing with them for a while.

Let me know what you think of the stories by leaving a comment for me to read! I really appreciate getting feedback, and if something in the stories just doesn't sit right with you, or you think I could do better, then let me know!

xxx Elyzia

My Secret, Chapter 20

Chapter 20:
Return to Misselthwaite

Thankfully it wasn't raining.

That was what Sam and Colin had said, that morning when we set out on our journey to Misselthwaite, but it was the last thing on my mind at the moment. What really bothered me, and was distracting me from taking in the breathtaking beauty of the moors around us, was Dickon's absence. After promising last night that he would accompany us to Misselthwaite, he had not showed up this morning.

The cart jostled and bumped over the gravel road, the Clydesdales pulling it at a steady pace. The wind whipped around us, and I looked over to Sam and saw her pulling her hat down over her forehead, as a particulary strong gust of wind nearly blew it away. Colin was laughing at her, and reached over to straighten her scarf, which was getting tangled. The two of them seemed happy and without a care in the world. I couldn't have felt any different.

I was going home, but I didn't know how receptive my Uncle would be of our sudden reappearance, and then there was Dickon. Why hadn't he showed up this morning as he had promised to? Andrew Ramsay, Dickon's brother in law, had made his apologies for Dickon's absence, saying that Dickon had been inundated with work in the manor gardens, and had not been able to spare the morning. At this I had looked suspiciously at Colin, who had looked away, his cheeks growing pink. I had remembered what I had overheard the night before, when Colin and Sam had been discussing what Colin had said to Dickon regarding my early and unexpected arrival.

'Did you tell him?'

'I had to. What else could I have said?'

'How did he take it?'

'Badly......I've never seen Dickon so angry in my life.'

The question that was burning me up inside was this – was Dickon angry at William for what he had done, or worse, was he angry at me?

My stomach churned nervously as the cart jostled along. I knew that it would only be a matter of time before I found out the truth.

---------------------

'Oh Mary, Colin...... it's so beautiful!'

Andrew had guided the horses towards the enterance of the walk, enclosed in Oak trees. The autumn colours were vibrant and bright against the blue sky, providing a stark contrast. I had forgotten how breathtaking this part of the grounds were, and delighted in seeing Sam's reaction.

'Was it worth running away for then?' I joked.

'Absolutely.'

'Wait till you see the rest of the grounds, Samantha.' Colin butted in eagerly. 'Of course, the gardens are not at their best this time of year, but there are still some beautiful trees and plants to admire.'

'I'm looking forward to it.' She said, turning to him and smiling.

I knew that more urgent matters were at hand that needed to be addressed, and I said to Colin: 'we need to discuss what we are going to do when we arrive.'

'Agreed.' He replied, his face becoming serious. 'Ah.... I was thinking that perhaps I should be the one to speak to Father?'

That sounded like a good idea. I didn't particularly like the idea of confronting Uncle Archie with the news of why we had come. I sighed in relief.

'Will you mention to him...... the .... events that happened ..... over my birthday?' I asked, swallowing nervously.

Colin's face grew flushed. We had never openly discussed what had happened before and this was as close as we had ever come to mentioning what had happened that night.

'Y-Yes, of course. He has to know what happened and why we had to leave.'

Sam took my hand in hers and stroked it gently.

'Don't worry too much Mary. Your Uncle sounds like a reasonable man. I'm sure he'll understand why we had to leave.'

'What about you, Sam? what will he think of you accompanying us?'

'I've already spoken to Colin about that.' Colin nodded affirmatively. 'We agreed that he would tell his Father that I have come along for moral support to you. We are hoping that he will speak to my Father and help to .... clear the air, somewhat.'

'I'm sure Father will listen to what I have to say.' Colin reassured us.

'I hope so.' I replied, still not entirely convinced. I imagined what would happen if Uncle Archie did not support Colin's decision. Would he make us go back to London. I shuddered. I would rather die than go back there.

----------------------------------------

'Sir..... what a pleasant surprise.'
I found myself staring into the wrinkled face of Mrs Medlock. It took me a while to realise that 'sir' was now Colin's official title. She turned around and caught sight of me, and Sam, her eyes widening in surprise.

'Oh! Miss Lennox – why, we weren't expecting you and -'

'Miss Samantha Sutherland, Mrs Medlock.'

Mrs Medlock held out her hand.

'Well, very pleased to meet you, I'm sure. Although we had no idea that you were coming.' she noticed the goods cart from which we had stepped down from moments before, adding: 'and on the back of Mr Ramsay's goods cart?'

Colin strode over and placed his arm around her shoulders, leading her away. 'Do not concern yourself with this Medlock. I will explain everything to you in due time. In the meantime, could you please see that our rooms are prepared for us, and that the young ladies -' he gestured towards Sam and I 'have someone help them with their belongings.'

Mrs Medlock still looked distraught, but duty instinctively took over.

'Very well Sir, right away Sir.'

She hurried up the steps towards the main door, holding her skirts as she went. Pausing to cast one last confused look in our direction.

'I'm afraid old Medlock is not used to surprises!' Colin laughed. 'Come now, let us go inside.'

--------------------------------

As soon as we entered the house, Colin went upstairs to his Father's library.

'I hope your Uncle is understanding, Mary.' Sam said nervously, as we walked upstairs to our rooms. 'I don't know what I'll do if he sends me home.'

Colin arrived in our rooms, rather breathlessly, an hour later.

'How did he take the news?' I asked, as soon as he entered the room.

'I won't lie to you Mary, he did not take the news at all well. I tried to tell him why we had to return, and I think he may beginning to understand, but he said he wants to speak to you alone.'

I heard Sam's quick intake of breath, and closed my eyes briefly, trying to fight off the beginnings of a wave of anxiety.

'I will go to him.' I said.

------------------------------------

I knocked on the heavy wooden door, then a few seconds later, heard my Uncle call out wearily 'come in.'

I entered the room, my eyes adjusting to the dim lighting. My Uncle was sitting at his desk beside the fireplace, his huge mastiffs curled up on the rug in their customary place by the fire.

Weariness seemed to engulf my uncle like a cloud. He looked up at me from the piles of paper and books around him, with dark circled eyes. His hair appeared lank and unkept and hung around his face, throwing shadows onto his pale skin. His brow was furrowed, and he didn't speak for a second, merely looked me up and down, as if he was seeing me for the first time.

'Uncle, I -'

The deliberate upwards movement of his hand stopped my words. He continued to stare at me, until I thought I would not be able to take it any longer. Then mercifully, he gestured for me to sit down in the chair beside his desk. I sat down weakly, my heart pounding, wondering how I was going to explain our sudden reappearance.

'I suppose,' he began 'that my son has told you that he has come to see me.'

'Yes.' I whispered, frightened by his piercing gaze. I drew my breath in, trying to summon up my stregnth. 'He said you wanted to speak to me alone, Uncle.'

'I do. Do you know, my young niece, what the consequences of your actions will be?'

'The consequences.....?' reaslisation dawned on me. 'surely you don't mean -'

'What I mean,' he said slowly and deliberately 'is that I have no choice but to send you back to London before you disgrace our entire family.'

My control broke 'But I thought Colin told you!' I cried, my voice rising in pitch in my desperation 'about what happened to me in London, about how Dr Sutherland's son - '

'Quiet!' he shouted. 'I find it hard to believe that a man as well brought up as Dr Sutherland's son could behave in such a manner.'

'But he did', I sobbed, my eyes filling with tears. 'Uncle, he hurt me.'

'It was supposed to be an educational time for you.' he said, ignoring my plea 'to turn you into a lady. And then you disappear from your host's residence, in the middle of the night, with my son and their daughter, without letting anyone know of where you are. Do you realise that Dr and Mrs Sutherland have been worried sick about Samantha's whereabouts, not to mention yours and Colins? when I received word yesterday that the three of you had disappeared, leaving behind a mere note, I could hardly believe what I was reading. I thought surely my son and niece would not do such a thing, disgrace our family name in such a way? You child,' he said, punctuating his words with the pounding of his fist on the tabletop 'have disgraced our family.'

The tears ran freely down my cheeks now, blurring my vision, but I made no attempt to wipe them away 'Uncle, please.... don't send me back there. I can't go back!' I reached over his desk and took his arm, willing him to change his mind. He looked down on me, and gave me a look of such contempt that I realised it was futile. Bursting into fresh tears I drew my hand away, barely noticing how much it was shaking.

'You will leave with my son and Miss Sutherland the next morning.' My Uncle replied, looking away from me. 'I cannot tolerate such behaviour from a young woman who is supposed to be in my care.'

I was shaking, this couldn't be happening, it just couldn't, was all that I could think. I suddenly visualised the long train trip back to London, the stares from the Sutherlands, the endless questioning, the shame, and worst of all – Williams snide grin and drawling voice 'Well, well, well, look who we have here.' I could never go back there, never!

'I won't go.' I said. 'You can't make me leave. You will have to drag me onto the train. I shan't go.'

With that I stood up, and barely hearing my Uncle's protests, ran from the room.

------------------------------------

The candle flickered feebly, casting it's soft glow about the room. I sighed, dipping the nib of my pen into the ink well, then began.

Dear Sam and Colin, I wrote.

I have to go, as I cannot stay here any longer. To stay here would mean to be forced to return to London, and you both know I cannot do that. To do so for me would be worse than dying. Please do not come looking for me, and please delay telling Uncle Archie that I am gone, for as long as possible. Burn this letter once you have read it. Colin, I will send word via Martha when I am somewhere safe. Until then, remember that I love both of you.

Mary

It was done. I scrawled my name on the bottom of the letter, then picked it up with trembling hands, blowing on it slightly to dry the ink. I held it to my chest, feeling my heart beating under the thick cotton of my gown. The last time I had worn this dress I had been merely an innocent child, spending long days in the garden. So much had happened since then.

I folded the note in half, placing it neatly inside the pocket of the coat that Sam had left in my room earlier that evening, where I knew she would find it.

I will remember, I thought to myself, I will get through this. I thought of the Moor boy who had befriended me all those years ago, whose voice soothed the rage within, whose embraces had made me feel whole once again. Did he still love me?

There was only one way to find out.

I closed the door to my room, and began to make my way down the long corridor to where I knew the door waited to the outside world, To my freedom..........and to Dickon.

The end

My Secret, Chapter 19

Chapter 19

The Reunion, Part 2

‘I, ah….. Dickon!’ I spluttered, feeling my heart pounding in my chest. I felt as though I would faint, I could hardly believe that he was right there, standing in front of me.

‘It looks as though tha’ could use a hand’, he grinned, indicating the shards of the ceramic cup that had met an early demise after Dickon’s surprise arrival. His blue eyes were twinkling with amusement.

‘Oh yes, thank you.’ I replied weakly, and together we began to pick up the pieces of the broken china.

I took a chance to look at him quickly then – he appeared much the same, although his hair was a little longer, and bangs of it hung before his forehead, which he kept pushing back absentmindedly. I noticed that he was in his work clothes – old trousers, and a white shirt and vest. His cap, he had taken off, and I saw he had placed it on the ground beside him. I kept wanting to pinch myself to make sure I wasn’t dreaming – that he actually was here, that he was real – that Dickon Sowerby was sitting next to me on the floor of our room at Thwaite village Inn. Looking at him literally took my breath away.

I didn't know where to begin. I wanted to tell him how much I had missed him, and how his arrival was so welcome, but I couldn't find the words. We stared at each other, waiting for the other to begin, until at last he spoke.

‘I had t’ come, as soon as I heard th’ news of tha’s arrival in the village.’

‘You spoke to Martha then?’ I replied quaveringly, finding my voice at last.

‘Aye.’ She told me tha was here wi’ Colin an a girl from London?’

‘Sam. I mean, Samantha – but she prefers to be called Sam.’

‘Aye. So anyway, I thought t’ myself that tha’ must be verra afraid an lonely – havin just arrived an not bein with tha folk an all, so I thought I would pay thee a visit.’

He smiled as he said this, that impish, mischievious look that I had missed so much. I couldn’t resist that smile. I leaned forward and lightly brushed his lips with my own, then reached for him and drew him towards me, bringing my arms around him and leaning against his broad chest. He smelt good, like the heather on the moor, and of the earth and hard work. I sighed and inhaled deeply. The smell bringing back memories of times when I had been secure and whole. Dickon tightened his arms around me also, one of his hands lightly stroking my back.

‘Ah lass, tha’ feels thin.’ He murmered.

‘I’ve missed you so much, Dickon.’

‘As I have thee.’ He replied.

His blue eyes shone with feeling, and he drew me into his arms once again. This wasn't how I had pictured our reunion – embracing on the floor, kneeling amoung shards of broken china – yet I didn't care. I was with Dickon, that was all that mattered. I leant up against his broad chest and sighed.

'Did you get my letter?' I said, feeling my heart begin to pound furiously again.

'Wha' letter does tha' mean?' Dickon replied.

'Well..... the letter that I sent explaining why we had come. Did you not receive it?'

'No. I only found out tha' would be here from Martha.'

'Oh.' I replied, feeling my heart sinking. So he didn't know. He had no idea why we had come.

'It's just that...... well...... some things have happened over the past few weeks, and I so badly wanted to tell you..... ' I licked my lips nervously. 'you see, what happened was that - '

Just then, we distinctly heard the sound of voices, outside the room. Dickon and I flew apart, and I stood up hastily, brushing down my dress.

'That will be Colin and Sam, back from the village.' I said.

I suddenly felt nervous as to how Colin would react to Dickon's presence. I hadn't told him that Dickon and I were on intimate terms, and I had sworn Sam to secrecy.

I could hear them laughing together, outside the door. Dickon got up and went to sit on one of the chair by the fireplace. The door slowly creaked open, and Sam and Colin appeared, their laughter dying from their faces as their eyes rested on Dickon.

'Dickon?!' Colin exclaimed. 'what are you doing here?'

He went over to Dickon immediately, and shook his hand, then Dickon pulled him into a brief hug. Colin laughed 'It's been ages since I last saw you!'

Sam hung back by the doorway, rather shyly. I glanced at her face, trying to gague her reaction, but her gaze was transfixed on Dickon, and on Colin.

'Well,' Dickon was saying, 'I heard tha' was in th' village, so I thought I should stop by and see thee.' He idly shoved a bit of the broken tea cup with his foot. 'Miss Mary was so surpised t' see me that she dropped her cup!'

'So I see!', laughed Colin. 'Oh Dickon, you have no idea how pleased I am to see you!'

I watched the two young men, feeling mixed emotions. How would Colin react when he found out that Dickon and I were on intimate terms? and how was I going to tell him?

I noticed Sam, standing by the doorway, as transfixed by the scene as I was, and I gestured for her to come over.

'We musn't be rude to our guest', I said, nudging Colin. 'Dickon, I would like you to meet Sam – Samantha Sutherland. I stayed with her and her family in London for the past two months.'

'Yes,' interjected Colin. 'Dickon, this is Samantha – Miss Sutherland.' he said, giving me a disapproving glance, at what I took to be my lack of formality.

Dickon strode forward and took Sam's outstretched hand.

'Verra nice t' meet you, Miss Sutherland.' he said, smiling softly.

'Thank you. It's lovely to meet you too, Dickon I've...... I've heard so much about you.' She stuttered, her cheeks growing red. ' and please, call me “Sam”. Miss Sutherland is so formal.'

'Verra well then...... Sam', Dickon replied.

'Shall I ring the bell for Tea, then?' Colin asked.

'Yes, please do. I could certainly do with a cup.' replied Sam.

'Aye, an' I wouldn't mind.' Dickon said, with a grin.

Lord knows, we could all do with something. I thought. Although perhaps stronger than a cup of tea.

'and you, Mary? will you be joining us?' Colin quieried.

'Yes, of course.' I said. 'I'm sure we've all got a lot to talk about, and a good strong cup of tea will set us right.'





'I must admit, I was a wee bit surprised t' hear of thee's arrival.' Dickon was saying, 'I knew tha' would be back for Christmas, but not before.'

We were all sitting around the small dining table in the room, drinking tea and eating freshly baked scones. The fire was roaring, casting a soft glow over the room, making it feel cosy. The four of us were talking animatedly. I felt so relaxed and comfortable, that if it hadn't been for Sam's presence, I think I might have forgotten that the last couple of months had ever happened.

'Yes, it did happen rather quickly.' I replied, helping myself to a second cup of tea.

'These things do, sometimes.' Sam interjected. 'I so wanted to see Mary's home. I think I must have played some part in our arrival in Thwaite.'

'There is so much to see here, Sam. I think you will love it.' Colin smiled warmly at her, and I mentally thanked him for changing the subject.

'Well, w' Miss Mary, and Master Colin as your guides you won't be missin' anythin', like they said – There is much to see in th' countryside.' He paused, and then gave us a long, knowing look. 'I take it tha' Uncle has not been alerted to thee's arrival, yet?'

'Well..... no.... not exactly.' replied Colin, pushing his dark hair out of his face. For once, he seemed at a loss for words.

'You see..... it's all rather complicated.'

Dickon raised his eyebrow, but said nothing.

'There is something you could help us with, Dickon – if you wouldn't mind, that is.'

'I'll help thee in any way I can.'

Sam caught my eye through the exchange, and gave me smile. She had been watching the interaction between the two young men intently, and I could tell that she was impressed with Dickon's maturity.

'Do you know of anywhere we could hire a carriage?' Colin asked, trying to sound casual.

'Ah! so thee can travel t' Misselthwaite?'

'Yes.'

'We would appreciate any help you could give us, Dickon.' Sam added.

Dickon sat still, deep in thought. Presently he spoke.

'Martha - '

'That's Dickon's sister', I whispered to Sam.

'Martha's husband – my brother-in-law, is part of a carting business. I know he regularly travels up t' Misselthwaite. Perhaps...... if thee wouldn't mind travellin' w' him that is.... well, I know for a fact he will be going up there t'morra.'

I looked at Colin and Sam, and seeing no objections, voiced my opinion.

'That sounds like a splendid idea, Dickon.'

'Colin?' he quieried.

My cousin set down his tea cup.

'If my cousin and Samantha have no objections, than neither do I. I just hope Father doesn't jump out of his skin when he sees us.'

We all laughed at Colin's little joke, and the mood of the room lightened once again.

'I'm sure he won't, Master Colin. Thee has surprised him more in th' past, I'm sure.'

We all laughed, and I thought fondly back to the time when a young boy had learned to walk again.

'All right then, let's sort out the details.' replied Colin. 'We have a lot to get through.'




Dickon leaned back against his chair and stretched. 'I had better get going.' he said, 'I was meant to be back over an' hour ago.'

He began to get up, and walked towards the door.

'Goodbye, Dickon', Sam said. 'It was lovely to meet you, at last.'

'And you, Miss Sam.'

'Goodbye.' I whispered. 'We will see you tomorrow, then, Dickon?'

'Aye.' he replied, holding my gaze for as long as he dared, for a moment his features softening into tenderness. 'of course.'

Colin got up and followed Dickon to the door. 'Ah Dickon' he said in a low voice 'do you mind if I accompany you outside? there is a matter I would like to discuss with you....... one that is particularly delicate.'

Dickon shot me a puzzled look. I supposed he couldn't help it. I felt my heart sink when I guessed what it was Colin wished to discuss with Dickon.

In reply to Colin Dickon turned to him and nodded, and the two of them departed the room, Colin closing the door softly behind him, leaving Sam and I only to guess as to what was being discussed downstairs. Sam gave me a frightened look, her eyes saying what she could not. Asking the question that both of us were desperate to have answered. How would Dickon react to Colin's news?


Later that night, I awoke from a broken sleep to feel the covers being pushed back. Sam was getting out of bed. She leant over to me and whispered softly:

'I'm going to get a drink of water. I shan't be long'

I looked over through half-closed eyes and saw her take the candle that weakly lit out bedroom.

'Oh.... how cold it is!'

Sam, clad in her nightgown, and holding a single candle, exited the room, shutting the door firmly behind her.

Colin was sleeping in the room next to us – having once again occupied the space beside the fire. I lay awake, pulling the blankets tightly around me, and I began to hear Colin and Sam's voices, murmering softly. The walls in the Inn were thin – any noise travelled easily.

'Did you tell him?' I heard Sam say.

'I had to. What else could I have said?'

'How did he take it?'

'Badly......I've never seen Dickon so angry in my life.'

'I'm not surprised – I mean, they've always been close, haven't they?'

'Well, since we were children. He's very protective of her.'

'This is all so overwhelming.' Sam was saying.

'I know.' Colin paused. 'I have no idea how Father will take all of this.'

'I just wish there was something more I could do. I feel so terrible Colin, over what happened.'

I realised that she was crying now.

'You can't blame yourself, Sam. It had nothing to do with you.'

'Colin...... I'm afraid.'

Colin murmered something that I couldn't quite make out. Silently, I crept out of bed, and placed my head to the door.

'Everything will work out, you'll see.'

I bent down, until my eyes were level with the keyhole in the door. Colin and Sam were sitting together by the fireplace, with their backs to me. He had one arm around her shoulder, and was slowly stroking her back. She was leaning into his chest and weeping quietly.
I felt as though I was witnessing something they wouldn't want me to see, and my cheeks began burning at once. Yet, I couldn't tear my eyes away from the scene that unfolded in front of me.

'I feel so helpless and alone. I want to help Mary, but I don't know where to begin. Oh Colin, how can I help her when I feel like this?'

'You are helping her, Sam' my cousin said softly. 'She needs all the friends she can get at a time like this.' he took her by the shoulders, looking into her eyes. 'I promise you. Everything will work out.' He moved his hand up to her cheek, which was streaked with tears, slowly wiping them away.

I returned to bed, suddenly aware that I might not be the only one that had a secret to keep.

My Secret, Chapter 18

Chapter 18:
The Reunion, Part 1

We had spent the rest of that first night in a small botique hotel, based near Kings Cross station, that Colin had organised for us. He had suggested it as a means of 'gaining a few hours rest' before our train journey to Yorkshire the following morning. For once I could have gotten down on my knees and thanked my cousin personally for being so organized. Of course, I didn't, but I passed that night, spent with Sam in the foreign hotel bed, feeling like I owed him my life.
I had found it difficult to stomach my breakfast that morning, and noticed that Colin and Sam had barely touched their food either. It hardly seemed real that today I was going home, that we would all be in Thwaite village by the end of the day. I supposed we were all still nervous about being caught and hauled back to the Sutherland residence. Sam in particular seemed barely able to hide her anxiety, and spent the whole of breakfast casting furitive glances towards the window of the room.

Colin was quiet, and I wondered if he was contemplating our escape from the Sutherland's, his feelings of betrayal over William, or perhaps what Uncle Archie would say to us when we eventually arrived home. But whatever his worries were, he kept them to himself, and we ate our breakfast in silence.

The train ride had been one tinged with anticipation. We had departed early, just as the sun was rising. It was a weekday, and so the train was almost devoid of passengers. Most of the business, I was told by Colin, came by those who journeyed to the country on the weekend, to visit friends and relatives. Very few people took the day long trip during the week.

We had decided early on, that we would go by the assumption of being siblings, if anyone asked. Once again, I felt grateful towards Colin for agreeing to our plan. Sam had explained that it was difficult for women, especially those that were young, to travel alone. I had no reason to doubt her. More than ever before, I knew the dangers that could present themselves to young women...

------------------------

It was raining when we finally arrived at the village of Thwaite, and the day was drawing to a close.

Colin had chosen Thwaite as our stopping point as it was the largest settlement in our part of Yorkshire, and the most likely to have accomodation.

I had stepped off the train and taken a deep breath, breathing in the scent of [the mist and [the rain. Smelling the light earthy fragrance of heather that seemed to hang in the air, I barely noticed the tears that fell in rivulets down my cheeks. I was home.

Had I never understood the power that this place had over me until now? No, I had not. Here was my home, my sanctuary. Stepping off the train felt symbolic. I was leaving London behind, and beginning to move on from everything that had happened there.

Sam stepped up beside me then, with Colin following, carrying our carpet bags.

'I've put him to good use, Mary. I thought you would approve.' she said, playfully.

I looked over and saw my Cousin struggling with the two bags, but trying to make out as if it was no effort.

'Perhaps we should go and help him?' Sam asked, with laughter behind her speech. 'He looks as though he needs it!'

'No, let him carry our bags Sam, at least down from the platform – it'll do him good.' I informed her.

Our laughter must have carried over to Colin, who looked put out when he reached us. I hadn't meant to laugh at my cousin, but it was a combination of nerves, tiredness, and excitement. He looked cross as he approached, literally dragging the bags behind him.

'There's no need to laugh.' He said pointedly, depositing our bags on the ground. He flicked a long strand of hair away from his face and sighed.

'So what do we do now?' I asked him directly, voicing a question I knew only too well to be on everybody's mind.

'Do now?' he repeated. 'Good lord Mary, do you think I somehow managed to plan for a cab to Misselthwaite on such short notice?'

'You mean you didn't?' interjected Sam, 'But where are we meant to go from here? How are we to get anywhere with all our belongings?'

She was becoming almost hysterical, and I noticed her wringing her hands again. I remembered that this was the first time she had been away from home, and that she wasn't used to having to plan and think for herself.

I took in both of them just then, standing bedraggled at the train station, and thought of how I had been fighting off the thin veil of exhaustion for most of the afternoon. I couldn't wait to collapse in bed and sleep. But I couldn't give in to it just yet.

'Look, I've got a little bit of money, enough for some rooms in Thwaite tonight. Then when we are ready, we can hire a cab and make our way to Misselthwaite. You see, I didn't come completely unprepared.'

He was giving us his serious expression now, I noticed. The one he always used to wear when speaking to those he felt as though he had authority over. No doubt born from his days of being Lord of the manor whenever Uncle Archie was away. Colin was used to getting his own way, and this had been happening since he was born. I made a mental reminder not to question him again, unless I felt in the mood for a lecture.

Standing beside me was Sam, taking in the surroundings, and breathing deeply.

'I can't believe we've made it, Mary!' she said in wonder. 'We're actually here, aren't we?'

'Yes, yes we are.' I replied. 'Thank goodness.'

Colin coughed.

'As much as I love the train station, I think we should probably make a move.'

-------------------

Colin ordered us a small supper, and we ate ravenously when the maid brought it in to us. We had hired a small set of rooms above the public house in Twaite.

The rooms were plain and simple, but cosy. We were seated in large armchairs, beside a roaring fire, a welcome sight when one took in the raging wind and rain outside. What had begun as a gentle Autumn rain, had gathered in strength and was now a full blown storm. I thought about the windswept moors that lay beyond the village, and hoped that Dickon was not out on such a night.

Colin poured us each a glass of the red wine he had procured. I tasted it hesitantly, turning my nose up at the sour taste. Sam, I noticed, took a large gulp of her wine, and her hands were shaking.

'To our escape,' Colin said quietly, lifting up his glass, clinking it against mine, and then Sam's. Looking at me with his queer grey eyes, he paused, before saying 'Lord knows, Cousin, how you managed to persuade me to do this.'

No one had anything to say, so we sat staring into the fire. My wine sat on the table beside me, untouched. I stared at the flames in a kind of hypnotic way, entranced by their brightness and the way they devoured the coal in the fireplace, reducing it to glowing embers.

Gradually I felt my eyelids begin to drop, and I yawned loudly. I looked up and saw that Colin and Sam had finished their wine, and noticed Colin getting the bottle to fill up his glass. He offered the bottle to me, but I shook my head, declining. Sam, however, raised her glass to him, and he once again filled it with the thick, red liquid.

'I'm going to bed.' I said, drowsily, pushing myself out of the chair. Sam looked up at me. 'I'll be there shortly. But Mary, you need to sleep. Don't stay awake for me.'

I made our way through to our bedroom, in the next room, leaving Colin and Sam in front of the fireplace. I closed the door, still hearing the soft murmer of their voices.

Once I was in bed, I retrieved a poetry book that I had carried with me since leaving Yorkshire. Lodged in the pages was a photo. I took it out, carefully, soothing the wrinkled edges. It was a picture of a young girl and a youth, taken many years ago. They were sitting together on a large swing seat, in a garden filled with roses, and they were smiling.

-----------------------

'So...' he drawled, moving closer. 'Lets see what we have here...'

'You have no right to be here, get away from me!' I screamed, my voice shaking. I backed into the corner of the room, and looked up as his large figure loomed closer, still half-hidden in the shadows.

'No, no... I don't think so. Don't you know that you can never get away – not really.' he laughed, and it was cold and cruel. 'Don't you know that I will always be inside you, and will follow you wherever you go?'

I edged back further into the corner, almost feeling him inside my mind, lodging himself there, like an infestation.

'There is no escape for you, this is forever.'

His features twisted, becoming horribly distorted, and I shrank back in horror.

'Dickon will find out... he will find out and he will hate you for it.'

He lurched towards me, and I screamed.

---------------------

'Mary, Mary!'

I sat bold upright, still held in the grips of the nightmare. I looked up wildly at Sam, who was shaking me. Behind her stood Colin, deep concern on his features.

'He was here! He was here!' I cried, thrashing out of her grip.

She turned and stared at Colin in desperation.

'No one's here, Mary.' Colin said quietly, stepping forward. 'You've been alone the whole time.'

I broke down and started sobbing, still feeling William's presence in my mind. It had felt so real – and still did. His face, horrible and sneering still lurked in the back of my mind. I stared wildly up at the dark corners of the room then brought my gaze lower. The room was shrouded in darkness, lit only by a single flickering candlelight.

'Where is he?' I screamed. 'He's here, I know he is!'

I wrestled myself out of Sam's grip, launching myself out of bed.

'Mary, stop it. We're not in London anymore, we're in Thwaite village. Please calm down. There is no way he could be here, please Mary.'

Her voice was rising in desperation, and I realised that she too, was close to tears.

I felt my legs crumple under me, and I collapsed against the bed, giving in to my sobs. Presently I felt warm arms encircle my shoulders, and a soothing voice in my ear.

'Its alright Mary, we're here.'

My heart was beating slower, now, and reality was returning. The dream fading from my mind. I suddenly became aware of where we were and how far we had come. I lifted my head from the mattress, my eyes taking in the small whitewashed room, plainly decorated, but homeley, nonetheless. Then I turned towards Sam. Her face was tear streaked, and full of care and concern. I felt close to tears again. I turned from her, looking towards the doorway where Colin had stood, which was now empty.

'Where has he gone?' I gulped, sitting up to wipe my eyes.

'To get us something to brace our nerves, I should think.' she laughed nervously, as she used the sleeve of her dress to wipe away stray tears.

Later that evening, I lay safely in the warmth of the small bed, feeling Sam's breathing regular and easy beside me. Colin had settled down in the sitting room – asleep in front of the fire after too many glasses of red wine. I envied them in their sleep, knowing that there would be no rest for me tonight. Too many images were crowded my mind, and I felt nervous and jumpy.
As I lay awake, I thought of the events of the day, and of the past night. So little time had passed since I departed for London, yet so much had happened within that time. Now, more than ever, I treasured the thought of the easy, carefree days in the garden – those which I had taken for granted for so long. Sighing, I closed my eyes, and sleep came to me at last.

--------------------------

I approached the familiar doorstep hesitantly, then held my breath and banged on the door.
The sound of feet from within the house told me that Martha was coming, hurrying actually, towards the door.

'I'll just be a minute, Mother.' I heard her voice come from inside the house. 'I just have to...'

A few seconds later and the door swung open, revealing an extremely surprised young Mother, whose eyes looked set to pop out of her head. Her auburn hair had been tied up behind a head scraf, and her freckled face was tinged pink with surprise.

'Oh! Miss Mary!? it's you?'

'I see you weren't expecting me.' I said, knowing that Martha would pick up on my sarcasm.
Her astonishment turned to a smile of friendship. She raised her hands to the air and then back down to her sides, shrugging.

'Well... no...I thought tha' was off bein' educated in London.' she looked past me, and seeing no one else, said 'thy has come here alone, then? why, where is Mrs Medlock?'

'I didn't come from Misselthwaite, Martha. I came from London. I haven't been home yet.'

This revelation seemed too much for Martha.

'But, why? Have they not sent anyone t' pick tha' up?'

'Can I come in, Martha? I'm afraid it's a bit of a long story.'

'Oh, but of course.' She said, seeming to remember herself, and gestured towards the inside of the cottage. 'Come in, come in.'

I entered through the narrow doorway, feeling at once at home in Martha's small cottage. Photographs adorned the wall of the kitchen, where Martha led me to, and I busied myself in looking at these while she put the kettle on the stove to boil. The pictures were lovingly cared for, and I saw the one of Martha's wedding to Andrew Ramsay, taking pride of place in the centre. It had been taken with my Uncle's own camera – and he had given the picture to Martha as one of her many wedding gifts. I looked at it closely now, and I could see Martha and Andrew, smiling radiantly in the centre of a throng of people – which included the Misselthwaite staff, and of course, Martha's brother Dickon.

The photograph was a few years old now, and I marvelled at how much Dickon had grown during that time.

'Tea for tha', Miss?' Martha asked, through the sound of the crashing and banging of pots.

'Please, Martha', I replied softly.

Presently, the plump young woman re-appeared, jiggling a baby on her hip.

'Oh, how he's grown.' I marvelled at the tiny version of Martha and Andrew that giggled and chorted when I went to pick him up.

'Aye, our Jemmy's almost a year old now.' She replied, bursting with pride. We settled down into the chairs of the table (carved by Andrew himself, Martha had told me, during a particularly confidential moment).

'Oh Martha, he's adorable.' I said.

Martha blushed proudly, and went to fetch the kettle and cups. When she sat back down she looked at me intently, and then spoke.

'Now tell me,' Martha said, 'y' have no' been in any trouble, has tha? It is just so sudden, like, thy reappearance.'

I had been meaning to lie, to make up a story to say anything, other than admit to what happened and the real reason I had come home so early, but I just couldn't do it.

'Hast tha' come alone?', she continued.

'No, I haven't come alone. I have friends with me. Colin, and another young lady named Samantha – one of the Sutherlands. But Martha, no one else knows that I am here yet, and you must tell no one that you have seen me – not even my Uncle.'

'But Miss Mary, why?' she implored, her tone becoming concerned. Frown lines were developing on her forehead – something that looked very out of place on Martha Sowerby's face. She reached over and took my hand. 'Please tell me.'

'Its not something I feel proud of, Martha, turning up like this. But you have to understand, it was the only thing I could do! I just had to get out of there. Please believe me when I say that terrible, terrible things have happened.'

'Oh Miss! Hast tha' had no friends t' help thee, all this time?'

'Yes, I have had friends Martha. Sam has been absolutely wonderful to me. She accompanied me all this way, and we've been staying at the Inn with Colin, for the last two days.

'Oh! all this time! but Miss Mary, th' surely has some idea of t' trouble thee will be in when th' Master finds out? and what about the young ladies family?'

'I don't care!' I blurted out. 'I'm not going back, and I don't care if I have to live the rest of my life out in the public Inn at Thwaite! No one is going to make me go back to that house!' I paused, trying to quell the anger and fear that were rising to the surface. 'And as for Sam's family, I don't care what they think. After all, it was their son who -'

I felt my face redden, and I quickly looked down. Had I said too much?

'Mary, will you please just tell me what happened?'

'Oh Martha! I'm afraid. I'm afraid that Dickon won't love me anymore.'

The tears that I had tried for so long to control, began to cascade down my face.

'I'm in so much trouble, Martha. So much trouble.'

I was barely aware that Martha had put Jemmy down, and was now hugging me closely to her. In a broken voice, I told her everything that had happened.

-------------------------


'There now, Miss. Dry tha' eyes. That's it, Mary'

Martha's kind voice was soothing and calm. She handed me a handkerchief, and pushed a mug of hot tea towards me.

'There now. It's good an' hot. Mother always says a body feels better after a strong cup o' tea.'

I drank the tea, feeling myself gradually calming down.

'Do you think he will still... love me, Martha?'

Martha smiled, and took my hand.

'Of course he will love thee, Miss. Why, if tha' only knew how he'd been speaking of thee when tha' left for London. All this time I'm surprised he hasna pined away completely for thee.'

'I wrote to him, telling him what happened. I can hardly remember doing it now. I guess he already knows.'

'Aye.' Martha nodded. 'But Mary, tha' needs t' see him.'

'I know.' I said, my voice quavering. 'I just don't know what I'm going to say to him when I do. I've been missing him for so long, and now I am here, and so much has happened, Martha!'

'Then you must see him, Mary. The sooner the better.'

------------------------

'Come in', I said wearily, hearing a knocking on the door. Sam and Colin had headed out into Thwaite village, and I had been alone for the past half hour.

The door moved slowly open. One of the servants, I thought wearily, wishing that they would just go away and leave me alone.

'If you've come for the lunch tray, it's already been taken down, thank you.' I called out, thinking it would save having to speak to them.

'Its not th' lunch tray I've come for, but if tha' would rather not see me... a familiar voice replied casually.

My heart jumped up in my chest and began pounding viciously. I knew that voice, it was so familiar. I looked up as a tall young man slowly entered the room, a huge grin on his freckled face.

'It's you I've come t' see, Miss Mary.'

My eyes opened wide, and the tea cup I was holding crashed to the floor. It was Dickon!

My Secret, Chapter 17

Chapter 17:
The tale of Samantha Sutherland

The trip to Colin and Mary's home had been an eventful one so far, and on a dreary night in late October 1908, we had finally arrived in the village of Thwaite.

The first thing I remember was of small, stone cottages with thatched roofs – a far cry from the grand buildings of London that I was accustomed to. I had never ventured to this part of the country before, and found the scenery amazing – very rugged and wild, the moors seeming to flow on forever and ever. My curiosity and amazement at this strange place did little to conceal my nerves, and I'm sure Mary and Colin must have realised due to the strange looks I received whilst we were on the train.

Colin had rented us a set of rooms in the local Public House for our first night in Thwaite, as it was too late in the day to travel the long distance to Misselthwaite Manor.

I couldn't help but wonder what Mother and Father would do when they found out that Mary, Colin, and I had 'disappeared'. I had never done anything so brazenly disobedient in my life (although I would have liked to[at times), and all sorts of thoughts were buzzing through my head. Would they disown me? Would they send out a search party? Would they find me and drag me back to London? I had hoped to explain everything to them in the letter that I had left behind. It had seemed like a logical idea at the time, however, in hindsight, it seemed like I had made a grave error in judgement. I couldn't help but think how they would react when they read about what William had done.

However, I would never feel as though I had done the wrong thing in leaving with Mary. I had only known her for two months, yet she had proved to be the best friend I had ever had.

I had first met Mary's cousin, Colin, almost three years ago, when he had arrived at our house in London, shortly after my thirteenth birthday. He had been a scrawny boy back then, very enthusiastic about science (in particular, Physics) and with a passion for knowledge. He had driven us all crazy with his ability to have the answer for everything, even when I suspected sometimes he was not correct.

At first, Colin had followed my older brother, William, around and seemed to worship the ground he walked on. William had majored in Science at University, and was now studying to become a doctor, like our Father. Mother had explained to me that Colin had grown up without any siblings, which was why he was so interested in spending time with William. Colin never talked much to me, and I suspect he ignored me for the most part because I was a girl.
Being born a girl certainly has it's disadvantages, I thought. While my older brother got the opportunity to study and pursue an academic career, my sister Patrica, and I were confined to the house, being schooled by a governess in how to be a lady. Our futures were confined to becoming someone's wife, and our education was tailored specifically towards attracting and retaining a young man. I recall Pat once saying to me that I had to go and make everything difficult for myself, and there was never a more difficult time in my life than when I had fallen in love with one of William's close friends – a young man named Edward St John.

'Samantha', he had whispered softly to me, one night when we were alone in the garden of my parent's house. It was in the middle of summer, and the night was warm and balmy. He had reached up to my face, and brushed a strand of dark hair away, and had then traced his fingers lightly down the side of my face. I had breathed deeply, and closed my eyes, trying to remain perfectly still – willing him to keep going, yet becoming (almost) afraid and wanting him to stop.

We met frequently after that – whenever we could manage. This was not difficult for him. He was twenty years old – much older than I. I was but fifteen. The balmy night spent in the garden became the first of a series of such meetings. Our light touches progressed to passionate embraces. When we were apart, I could think of nothing else but when we would next meet, and the minutes of the day would drag by like hours. 'My dear girl, why do you look at the clock so often?' my governess would scold, and I would see Pat looking at me quizzically. I dreampt of us being together forever, of running away to Gretna Green and getting married (my Mother would have been shocked to think of her innocent daughter thinking such scandalous thoughts, but then my parents were very naïve back then). However, none of this came to pass, because, on a cold day in early spring, Edward broke my heart.

He had become distant from me, a couple of weeks before the news broke. I had written him numerous letters, asking him when we could next meet again, and had received short, sharp replies such as 'We shall meet when my exams finish, for I am terribly busy', or worse, no reply at all. I had begun to wonder if he was in some kind of trouble, but I was soon to find out that it was worse, far worse than that.

I distinctly remember the morning I had found out. We were at home, entertaining Grandmother's bridge friends. There were around five of them, and we were seated in the sitting room, in front of the roaring fire. The maids had brought in tea and cake and I was idly looking at the clock, waiting for the morning post to come in. I was wondering if today, would bring a letter for me, that perhaps today I would find out what had been going on with Edward.
'Did you hear the news, my dear,' spoke up Mrs Emery, Grandmother's oldest friend (and the biggest gossip, in my opinion) 'that the young Mr St John is to be wed at last?'

'What, you mean William's friend?' my Grandmother had asked, her mouth full of cake.

'Why yes, “Mr Edward St John", I believe he is called,' Mrs Emery had replied 'and to the young heiress he met early in the season. They are to be wed in two week's time.'

I had gasped, and dropped my cake on the floor. My entire face drained of colour. It couldn't be true, it just couldn't!

'My dear Samantha, are you unwell, child?' my Grandmother had asked me, looking over in my direction.

'I, I've dropped my cake...I'm sorry.' I had said shakily, before leaning back in my chair. I closed my eyes briefly, feeling the world as I had known it, tearing apart before my eyes.

I could feel all the old ladies looking as me as I got up and stumbled blindly from the room. I could barely see where I was going for the tears that obstructed my view. Somehow I stumbled up to my room, flung myself down on my bed, and wept.

Later that night I had smashed my small hand held mirror in frustration and pain. It was my fault that he didn't want me, who would want such an ugly pale girl. I remember picking up one of the small jagged pieces, wanting to end it all. What future did I have now that Edward was gone? What future was there without him loving me? I had drawn the small jagged edge over the white of my skin, and then, hating myself, pressed it deeper.

I told all of this to Mary, later, but I did not go into such great detail. I was too ashamed at what had happened. My wrists to this day bear the scars of my suffering. Of course, I am sure that she had seen them, and had been curious, but she had never directly asked, for which I was grateful. Once, when we were laying in bed, she had asked me about Edward and I had told her some – not all, of what had happened. But then, I could trust her with my secret, as she was trusting me to keep hers – that she had a beau back at her home in Yorkshire – a country lad who had helped her tend one of the manor gardens.

It had all sounded so romantic, and so unlike the experiences that I had had with Edward. Her Dickon sounded so gentle and kind, patient and caring. He seemed so far removed from the general arrogance of the young men that I knew.

She had suffered greatly while she has been in London. My own brother, being the cause. William had turned out to be a vile villan, who I was ashamed to call my brother. I remember the night that I had found her – the night of our sixteenth birthday party. She had been gone for a long time, and I had begun to get angry with her. She said she'd only be gone for a few minutes, I thought to myself, and it's been almost an hour! Furiously l had left the room, and walked forcefully up the stairs to our bedroom. I had stopped when I heard the sound of Mary's sobs coming from beyond the bedroom door.

Colin and I had sat by the fireplace at the Inn in Thwaite, solemnly staring into the flickering flames. The remains of a light supper sat on the table nearby, along with an opened bottle of wine. Colin had insisted on ordering it, in order to 'steady our nerves'. Mary had gone to bed an hour previously, claiming she was exhausted. This left Colin and I alone for the first time since I had been to see him, after Mary became unwell.

Colin was leaning back into the large armchair, sitting opposite from me. His face looked weary, and there were dark circles under his eyes. We had barely slept the night before, and of course had spent many hours sitting in the train station at King's cross, waiting for the early morning train to Thwaite. The weariness had caught up with me, also, but I had wanted to speak to Colin alone, after Mary had gone to bed.

Colin however, beat me to it.

'Sam... I'm worried about Mary.'

He had said it so quietly, I had barely heard him. Colin Craven wasn't usually one to speak in whispers.

I glanced towards the door to the bedroom.

'Me too.' I had said softly.

'I know we need to get her back to Misslethwaite, Sam. But I've never seen her like this before. What happened to her...' he trailed off then, raising his hands hopelessly, lost for words.

'We're doing the right thing, Colin – in getting her home, I mean. She needs us right now, and we're here for her. Things will get better.'

'I hope so. I just feel so -'

'Helpless?' I finished.

'and guilty.' he continued. 'I should have seen what he was and ... stopped him from going near her.'

'I feel guilty too, Colin. I didn't go looking for her that night until it was too late. If I had done, perhaps none of this would have happened.'

'She is my only cousin, Sam. She is ... so dear to me.'

'I just feel so angry and upset. Colin, my own brother did this to her! My own brother!'

I could feel my voice rising, and I realised that I must have been speaking rather loudly, as Colin turned quickly and looked towards the door.

'I'm sorry...' I whispered, my eyes filling with tears. 'I ... I just feel so vile to know that he is ... my brother.' I looked away, staring into the glowing embers, wiling myself not to lose control.
I felt Colin's place his hand on my own, rather awkwardly. I supposed he wasn't used to comforting hysterical girls.

'It will all be alright, Sam, you'll see.' he said gently, as he stroked my hand. I looked up at him and noticed his agate grey eyes, which were full of concern.

'I hope so.' I had replied, feeling embarrassed that he had seen me at such a weak moment.
He reached into his pocket and took out a red handkerchief. 'Here, take this. I think you need it more than I do.'

'Thank you', I began 'I -'

But I never got to finish, as a the sound of a loud scream pierced through the still night air.

My Secret, Chapter 16

My Secret – Chapter 16:
The Outcome

'Mary, calm down. I had to talk to him.' Sam was standing by the door, wringing her hands, her pale face distraught. 'He is your cousin. He deserves to know.'

I smashed another vase to the ground, fury rising and taking control.

'You knew damned well that I didn't want Colin to know. I should never have told you. Never!'
I was livid, shaking with rage, and wishing that I could tear off the dress that constricted me at my waist and throat. My despair had recently begun to turn into anger, and now it was building inside me, and I felt powerless to control it.

'Mary,' she gulped 'you're not yourself right now. If you would only listen to what I've got to say - '

'Say what?' I interjected, my voice cutting through the air like a knife. 'That he no longer wants anything to do with me because of what happened between me and his precious William?' I laughed hollowly, 'Lord knows, he probably wishes that William did more than force himself on me!'

'He wants to help you!' Sam shouted. I looked up at her, hardly believing what she had just said.
'What?' I gasped. This was unexpected, to say the least.

'He said that he thinks William's behaviour has been despicable and villainous. Mary, he wants to help you – us – if you'll have him.'

'He said that?'

'Yes Mary, he did.'

I sighed and sank to the bed, overwhelmed with relief, and felt the anger begin to dissipate.

'Yes, I do want him. If our plan is to succeed, we will need his help. Oh Sam!' I looked around surveying the room, taking in the fragments of glass and strewn flowers that littered the carpet. I looked at them in astonishment, as though they had been scattered by somebody else. I lifted my hands helplessly. Softly I said, 'I'm sorry.'

She responded only by coming to me and putting her arms around me, pulling her closely towards her. I responded to her warmth, which had been a constant source of comfort over the past week since the night of the party.

'It's alright. I'll just tell Mother that the wind blew it over.' she smiled. 'I never did like that vase, anyway.'

'Neither did I.' I whispered, and all of a sudden the two of us broke into nervous laughter. It was only for a brief moment, but it was enough.

She bent down and gathered the broken pieces in her hands, moving them to the nearby washbasin. I bent down to help her, thinking ironically of how much my life had become like the shattered vase. All at once pure and whole, and then a split second later, damaged beyond repair. I sighed, trying to push the thought out of my mind. William had done more than hurt me physically.

Luckily for me, he had departed unexpectedly the morning following the party. I hadn't known it then, as I had lain ill and feverish, but Sam had informed me of it later. It hadn't taken much for her to find out the cause of my sickness, apparently I had been groaning and talking in my sleep. When she had discovered what her brother had done it had taken all my strength to stop her from running to see her Father and telling him what had happened.

I might have stopped her from doing that, but together the two of us had come up with an even better plan.

Sam had gone to see Colin and tell him what had transpired, knowing that in order for our plan to work, we needed his help.

'So I went and spoke to him earlier today', Sam was telling me, as we sat together in our room that night. 'He was in his room and I went right in. I think he was surprised to see me as he sat straight up in his desk, and dropped his pen – and looked at me with those big grey eyes of his. I told him that I had something urgent to talk to him about and that he had to promise to keep what I was going to tell him, a secret.'

Sam's story:

'Colin', I said. 'I need to know that I can trust you.'

He had looked at me so intently then, that I thought his eyes might have almost popped out of his head.

'Trust me?' he had said, sounding confused.

'Yes, I need to be able to trust me. I have something very serious to discuss with you.'

I was worried that the poor thing felt as though it was something to do with him, some indiscretion or other that he thought he might have committed. Nonetheless, I closed the door and sat down on his bed, facing him. He had gone quite white by this stage.

'It's about your cousin. She's in a lot of trouble.'

'M-Mary?!' he had stammered, looking shocked.

I then nodded to him, with a grim expression on my face.

'Colin…something terrible has happened to her, and she needs your help.'

He had then put his head in his hands, and I had gone to him.

'What happened?' he whispered.

'William, he…. Colin…he forced himself on her.' I blurted it out quickly, then continued. 'It happened the night of the party. That's why she's been keeping to her room so much over the past few days. Colin…I think that may be why William left so suddenly the next day.'

Colin's face grew more pale, and when he spoke his voice was quiet, and trembled slightly. 'I simply can't believe this…that Will would do such a thing... Sam... please say that it isn't true, that this is some kind of trick you and Mary are playing on me.'

'For God's sake Colin Craven!' I had said, my breath exploding out angrily as I spoke. 'This is not a joke. Your cousin needs your help.'

'But William…. I thought- and he is your brother, Sam.'

'Look Colin, do you think I don't know that? And to be honest with you, he ceased being my brother when he tried to force himself on your cousin.'

I had felt close to tears at that point, drained from the events of the past few days. I had thought of you then, Mary, and how pale and thin you were growing, and I felt so sick at the thought that I was his sister. I had wanted to take Colin and shake him, and force him to understand. However, by some miracle, he did.

'You know', he said slowly 'I always did feel that there was a part of Will that I couldn't trust. I know he liked…well, there is no other way to put it – he liked his ladies.' He blushed, colour returning to his pale face. 'Earlier this year he took me to a “friend’s” residence and introduced me to some young women, whom I thought were of rather dubious character, and then asked if I - '

'Colin Craven! I do not want to hear about your dalliances with my brother.'

'Oh, I'm sorry Sam.' he said, looking up and seeing me, as though he had forgotten I was there in the room with him. His cheeks grew pinker still, and an uncomfortable silence fell between us.
'Oh never mind about that!' I said impatiently. 'Look, your cousin needs our help.'

'What are we going to do?' he asked, raising his hands hopelessly.

'We are going to make sure we keep Mary safe. Colin…. She is not faring very well and I am worried about her.'

He groaned, his voice growing serious. 'God Sam, I feel awful. I should have seen how William felt – I could have stopped him.'

'Look Colin, there is no point discussing this any further. We cannot undo this. All we can do is keep Mary safe. And you and I both know the place she needs to go for that to happen.'

'Misselthwaite.' he whispered, looking away. 'She needs to go home.'

'And that, Colin Craven, is why we need your help.'

I had moved closer to him, and lowered my voice to a whisper. 'And here is what we are going to do.'

--------------------------


'So that's what happened.' Sam finished. 'I spoke to him, and we came to an arrangement. Once he knew all the details of what happened he seemed determined to do everything in his power to help you – us, Mary. You know that I can't stay here either, not after what has happened.'

'I know. But Sam, I want to make sure you're leaving for the right reasons.'

She raised her hands and gestured around her. 'What is there here for me, Mary? If I stay it will only be a matter of time before Mother organises a match for me. What do I have to look forward to by staying here?'

I wanted to say 'your life' but she was right. There was nothing for her here. I had been in London long enough to know that. I knew that Sam was a spirited girl, and that she felt constricted and trapped with her circumstances.

'It will be dangerous, you know.' my voice sounded hollow. I was so tired. 'They might find out and stop us. And what of when we arrive at Misselthwaite? I hardly think my Uncle will welcome us with open arms.'

'He'll come around, Mary. Especially once we tell him what happened to you.'

I grimaced, the thought of telling my Uncle bringing back images from that fateful night – images I was trying desperately not to dwell on.

'What about your parents?' I said, quickly changing the subject.

'I will leave them a letter explaining everything. What William did, why we had to go, that I felt the need to accompany you, that Colin has also gone for the same reason. They will be angry, Mary, of course I know that. But sometimes you have to make people angry, in order to do the right thing.'

'You're beginning to sound like me,' I said, taking her hand in mine. 'I never did live life to please anybody else.'

She gripped my hand tightly and tried to smile, but her dark eyes showed the fear that she didn't dare to voice.

'I can't deny that I'm afraid, but I want to do this. It feels… right.'

'I'm scared, too. I haven't been home for so long, and….' The question I was so desperate to talk about remained frozen on my lips. Sam noticed my hesitation and asked me softly to go on.
I nervously drew in my breath, 'Well, its just that after what happened… when I tell Dickon that is – Oh, I don't know Sam, I just hope he still loves me, that's all.'

I let my breath out in a shaky exhale and closed my eyes, trying not to see Dickon turning away. Trying not to picture him as I had done so many times over the last week – looking at me in disgust and disbelief before walking away from me. That Dickon would be supportive of me was one of the only things that kept me going. I knew I would have to tell him…. Eventually.

'Mary, your Dickon sounds like a very noble sort of person, someone who is understanding and kind.' she paused, searching for words, and I held my breath again. 'If what you tell him doesn't make him want to go and deal to my brother, then I might just have to knock some sense into him myself!'

We both laughed at this. I had to admit - I loved Sam's sense of humour at times like these.
'I'd like to see you try!' I gasped, still laughing. 'He is a rather big lad.'

'We'll be careful. Colin knows what he is doing. I never thought before this week that I'd put so much trust in him, but Mary, your cousin is a good person. I know it. I guess I just didn't have a chance to see it before. He wants to help you.'

I smiled fondly in spite of myself, remembering the determined little boy who always got his own way. 'Yes, he is a good person, Sam. I just feel as though we've drifted apart over the last two years. I never did tell him about Dickon, either. I don't know how he'd react... you see, the three of us were always so close when we were younger.'

'You know Mary, I think he would be happy for you. I really do. Colin may seem as though he just cares for himself, but I know he cares for you very much, and just wants to see you feeling happy.'

'So he agreed on our plan?' I asked her, closing my eyes to fight back tears. I could almost feel Misselthwaite now; it seemed almost close enough to be able to touch.

'Yes, and together we've worked out all the details. They will never suspect anything. By the time they realise that we've gone, we'll be on our way. Like I said before, I'm going to leave a letter to Mother and Father explaining everything.'

'You shouldn't have to sacrifice your relationship with your parents Sam, for my account,' I said, feeling angry that it had come to this.

'Mary, they will never let me go otherwise… and I want to be with you to make sure that you come through this. I can't stay here now. I am ready to face the consequences of my actions. You needn't worry.'

'Your parents won't be happy, Sam.' In fact, I thought to myself, ‘not happy’ was probably the world's biggest understatement when it came to how they'd feel once they found out that their youngest daughter had run away.

'No,' she said slowly 'they won't be. But Mary, I need to do this. There is nothing for me here. What else am I going to do? I am not destined to live an exciting life. If Mother had her way I would no doubt be engaged already, and about to perpetuate the existence that she had. I don't want that for myself, and if getting into trouble with my parents is the sacrifice I have to make, then so be it.'

She had such a determined look in her eyes, and I didn't doubt for a moment that she meant every word. Gratitude welled up in me, that I had such a friend, who would help me out in my time of need.

'You've been so good to me, Sam…. I know I don't say things like this enough, but thank you.'

She smiled.

'You're very welcome. Now, let’s get ready for bed. We have a big day tomorrow.'

She rang the bell for Charlotte, then said softly to me, 'And don't forget, Mary, you have been such a good friend to me. Helping you in this way is the least I can do.'

-----------------------------

'I don't know why William had to leave in such a hurry.' Mrs Sutherland was saying. 'He hardly mentioned where he was going.'

'You know young men, Lydia,' her Mother, the formidable Mrs Bennet replied. 'They have itchy feet. They are best left to their own devices. Besides,' she said, taking a spoonful of soup, 'didn't he say that he would be visiting Mark Lawrence’s family in Brighton?'

'Yes, he did say that. It's just that he left so abruptly Mother. It is not like him at all.'

'Hmmmph.' the elder woman said. 'He'll come back, mark my words.'

I sat at the dining table idly stirring my soup. I had barely touched my meal. The incident with William had left me without much of an appetite.

Mrs Sutherland turned her attention to me.

'Child, you have hardly eaten any of your soup.'

'I'm sorry Mrs Sutherland, I am not hungry.'

'Well, I hope your Uncle doesn't accuse us of being poor hosts when you return to him in December thin enough for the wind to blow you away.'

I tried my best to smile at her joke. 'I'm sure my appetite will have returned by then.'

I caught Colin's eye at that point, and he looked away rather guiltily. This was to be our last dinner at the Sutherland residence for a while, after all.

'It's a ladies constitution, Lydia.' remarked Mrs Bennet dryly. 'I seem to recall that you did not have a very large appetite at Miss Lennox's age.'

That moved the conversation on to other things as Mrs Sutherland began reminiscing over her youth. Usually, I would have found this irritating as she would talk on and on about the London season and the spectacular dresses, but personally, tonight I was glad for the distraction. They didn't suspect anything, and this time tomorrow I would be safely at Misselthwaite.
It was the only thing I could think about, and, I thought, the only thing that was stopping me from giving in to my weary and battered soul.

------------------------

It was late at night and Sam and I were packing what meagre amount of clothes we could, into two small carpet bags. Silently I folded my gowns, methodically placing them in the bag. We were hoping to travel light, to avoid suspicion.

I placed a white chemise on top of my lilac dress. I was thankful to leave the peach coloured dress on it's hanger in the cupboard, although if I had had the room, I would have liked to take it to Misselthwaite and burn it.

'What should I take, Mary?' Sam whispered. 'I don't know what would be suitable for the country.'

'Just a couple of gowns, nothing fancy, Sam. Make sure you wear some sturdy walking boots, too. You won't be able to go very far in those Satin slippers.' I gestured down at her ruby clad feet.

'We will need our coats, I suppose?' she said, going to her wardrobe.

'Yes, we will. It will be cold on the moors.'

'Right. Coats, scarf, and gloves.'

She was muttering to herself, going to her wardrobe and returning with the necessary items.
I folded the last gown and then remembering, went to the dresser to retrieve my precious letters from Dickon. These I wrapped in an old chemise before tucking them firmly into the bag. I closed the latch, and fastened the buckle. It was done. I was ready to go home.

'When did Colin say we had to meet him?'

'Just past Midnight, outside the house. We figured that would be the best time to move. When everyone is likely to be asleep.'

'That makes sense.' I said. 'So we have just under two hours to wait.'

'Yes. And Mary, I cannot stress how important it is that we don't make a sound. If we were to be caught….' Sam's voice trailed off.

I nodded, aware of how serious the situation was.

'So now, all we have to do is wait. And hope that Colin sticks to his word.'

--------------------------------

The time passed slowly, as it always does when you are looking forward to something. Sam and I sat in semi-darkness, near the window, our faces illuminated by the light of a single candle. We listened to the noises of the house. The sound of the servants scurrying about downstairs, of Mr and Mrs Sullivan retiring to their rooms. The creaking of bedsprings, the drip of taps, the empty sound of the night outside our window.

My heart was beating fast and hard. I felt tensed with anticipation at the thought of what we were about to do. Sam was obviously feeling apprehensive, and every few minutes would get up to check her packing and had begun to wring her hands as she sat in her chair by the window, which I had come to know as a sign of nervousness.

Finally, the clock in the hallway dimly resounded midnight.

'It is time.' I whispered, easing myself up out of the chair.

'Yes,' she replied, looking as though she was about to faint. Unsteadily she got to her feet. Her face seemed paler than usual and I wondered if she really would go through with our plan.

'Are you sure you want to do this?' I asked.

'I'm sure.' she nodded affirmatively, making her way over to the door where her carpet bag sat.

'Then let's go.' I said quietly, and pushed open the door.

----------------------

Colin was waiting for us when we finally made our way outside. His pale face made even paler by the light of the full moon. I shivered slightly in the crisp night air, but felt more alive than I had in weeks. I looked over at Sam. She was buttoning up her coat and looking apprehensive. I went over to Colin, who was standing away from the road.

'Will the carriage be here soon?'

He nodded. 'It should be. I arranged for it to arrive just after midnight.'

If he was nervous, I couldn't tell. He spoke confidently enough. I was sure he was holding something back from me though, but guessed I would find out what it was soon enough.

'Come, let’s walk a little further down the street.' whispered Sam, coming up to us. 'We may well get spotted here.'

The three of us walked a little distance away, none of us saying anything to the other. I could feel the excitement of the night's events coursing through my veins, and for the first time in weeks I felt really, truly alive – and awake.

Until now, the plan had seemed just that – a plan. Something that didn't seem to have a firm base in reality. Now that it was really happening I could hardly believe it, but excitement grew inside me at the thought that this time tomorrow night, I would be home.

I wondered how Dickon would react upon seeing me. It had been so long, it seemed, since I had left. I pondered on this and came to the conclusion that it wasn't the length of time that I had been away, but the fact that so much had happened within that time.

I couldn't wait to leave it all behind and push the encounter with William further away from my conscious thoughts. My only thought of him now was that I wanted him to pay for what he had done to me. Numerous ideas had crossed my mind since that fateful night, but I knew that once I was home I would be able to devise the right kind of punishment for him. Oh yes, I thought to myself. He will suffer for what he has done.

We stopped further down the street and stood, silently, in the cool night air. Every single noise seemed enhanced in the stillness of the night, and I impatiently wondered where the cab was. I wish it would hurry, I thought to myself, sneaking furtive glances back up at the red brick facade of the Sutherland's large house. Were Colin and Sam growing as nervous as I? If they were, they didn't show it.

At last, the steady sound of hoof beats told us that it had come.

'Quick,' muttered Colin, as the cab pulled up beside us. We opened the door and got inside the dimly lit interior, while Colin spoke to the driver. Then he swung himself up and joined us inside.

The inside of the cab smelt damp, the leather seats ripped and torn in places. But I didn't care about any of that; I was on my way home. I looked up and saw Sam smiling nervously at me from across the seats. 'It's finally happening, Mary.' she said softly. She then turned to Colin who was seated at her left. 'Colin Craven, you're a genius!'

My cousin turned a darker shade of pink. 'It was nothing, really. All I did was organize the cab.'

'I think what Sam's trying to say is that we couldn't have done it without your help, Cousin.' I said warmly, feeling the animosity I had felt for him over the last month slowly slipping away.

'Don't go giving him a big head, Mary!' Sam said playfully, and we all laughed.

I looked at Colin, at his face breaking into a grin, and for the first time in so long, saw the young boy he had once been, who had been healed by the secret garden. Perhaps things would work out, after all. For all of us.

My Secret, Chapter 15

Chapter 15:
Trying to hold on

It all seemed so absurd now, so very absurd. I was in tears again, and I knew I would have to face them all sooner or later. I couldn't hide away in here forever. With trembling hands I picked up a pen, pausing only to wet the nib with ink.

Dear Dickon, I wrote.

I have something I need to tell you, and I'm afraid it cannot wait until I come home. I need to tell someone now, otherwise I feel as though I'll go insane. More than anything I wish you were here now. I feel so lost and alone and -

I shivered as a memory flashed through my mind. It was earlier in the evening and I was standing in the bedroom, and he was coming towards me... his large frame looming closer through the darkness.

- and scared. I feel scared, Dickon, and I can't remember when I last felt this afraid. I have to get out of here, I have to go!
It all started out as expected. Remember that party I had told you about? the birthday party for Samantha and I? well it all began as one would expect – the socialising, the speeches, being introduced to numerous people ... I hadn't expected anything like this to happen. Oh Dickon, where do I begin?

Downstairs, through the doorway I could hear the sounds of music and merriment, of people talking and laughing. I didn't feel as though I would ever laugh again. I couldn't stop shaking, my happiness feeling as though it had dissippated into the blackness of the night outside. I picked up the pen and began to write.

---------------------------

Five hours hence...

“Girls, you'll be expected downstairs very shortly.”

Mrs Sutherland's voice rose up the stairs to meet us. Sam and I were in our bedroom, giggling over the thought of the party that was soon to commence, making the final adjustments to our appearance.

“Mary, I simply know I look frightful!” Sam said, turning from the large mirror that adorned our dressing table. She had a hairpin between her teeth and her brow was furrowed. “Look at this dress!” she pulled up the fabric and frowned. “Lilac just isn't my colour at all!”

I looked down at my own dress (in a self-conscious imitation of Sam, I had no doubt), purchased a few days before. A shade of pale peach, with short sleeves and a tiny waist - which was achieved only by the severest tight lacing. It really was a beautiful dress, complete with bead work on the bodice and flowing skirts. The dressmaker of course, had explained that the lack of breath from the tight lacing was a sacrifice the wearer of the dress had no choice but to make. I was not used to having my movements so constricted, and longed for the night to end so that I could loosen my corset and take a deep breath.

“I hear you Sam, but there really isn't anything we can do about it now. Besides, I think the colour suits you. I don't know why you worry so much.”

“I worry because I know that I look an absolute fright! and everyone is going to be here tonight, staring and pointing. Don't you realise we're going to be the centre of attention and everyone is going to want to talk to us? oh, I wish I'd been able to convince Mother to buy me the red dress instead.”

The red dress she was speaking of was one Mrs Sutherland had promptly turned her nose up at, deeming it 'not suitable' for young ladies – which no doubt had something to do with the plunging neckline of the gown.

I reached up and gently took the hairpin out of her mouth, pinning it up in her hair, and soothing back a loose tendril. She smiled nervously at me and I took her hands in mine.

“There is nothing to worry about.” I said, gripping her hands tightly and looking directly into her dark eyes. “You look beautiful, Sam. And if I hear any more complaints I'm going to refuse to come downstairs and you'll have to face the whole party yourself.”

She giggled, seeming for the while, to relax a little.

“Why don't we just go downstairs and get the whole thing over with?” I said, taking a moment to look at her earnestly, although my voice was not without humour. I for one was looking forward to the end of the party, and being able to steal a few minutes away at the end of the night to pen some more lines to Dickon.

“Well... as long as you promise not to leave me alone with Grandmother's bridge friends. They are such a bore!”

I smiled inwardly, thinking of Sam surrounded by old ladies with disapproving looks in their eyes. Thank god she wasn't allowed to get that red dress, I thought, although I would have loved to see the reaction it would undoubtedly have provoked.

“I'm sure that can be arranged. Come on, let's go downstairs together and dazzle them with our youth and brilliance!” I took her hand and lead her towards the door. “They won't know what's hit them!”

She seemed to relax and allowed me to lead her from the bedroom. I gripped her hand tightly in mine, feeling the warmth of her skin steal through the satin gloves she wore. I breathed a sigh of relief. I had got through the entire day without once having to look at her scars.

----------------------------


We were greeted to the sight of the house magically transformed. I gasped as we walked downstairs. It was like walking into a magical fairyland. All through the large hallway, lamps were lit, casting a soft glow over the paintings and sculptures that adorned the Sutherland's hallway. Fresh flowers had been placed strategically in vases, their scent filling the air with perfume. We reached the sitting room to find it full of people – most of whom I had never met. We were greeted by a smile from William, who was standing with a group of young men, and an admiring Colin who seemed hooked on William's every word, bursting with rambancious laughter whenever William made a witty comment.

'Well, don't the two of you look lovely', he said. 'I hardly recognised you, little sister. And Miss Lennox, you look lovelier than ever.' He reached down and took my hand and kissed it.

'Perhaps later in the evening you will allow me to escort you in a dance?' I blushed furiously, unused to the attention. I looked up at Sam for advice, but she was busy talking to one of William's friends, laughing, and seemingly for the moment over her previous self consciousness.

'I don't see why I can't.' I said eventually. 'Assuming you know how to dance, of course.'

I paused, feeling a little silly. Of course William would know how to dance. I swallowed and looked up at him. 'you may have to teach me. I don't have much experience with dancing... we ah... didn't do much of that at Misselthwaite.'

'I can assure you it would be my pleasure to teach you.' he said, softly, holding my gaze in his until I tore my eyes away.

The music had started up again, led by the small orchestra in the corner of the room. We had been at the party for almost two hours, and within that time had been introduced to numerous friends of the Sutherland's, and had partaken in cutting our birthday cake – a large extravagant thing, decorated with white icing and flowers. Mrs Sutherland had organised a photographer to be present, and he asked us to pause with our hands on the knife while he took our photo. We stood together, smiling, while our smiles were captured in time. The flash of the camera went off, illuminating our faces and everyone clapped. There was a particularly enthusiastic display from William and his friends, who were standing towards the back of the room.

Now everyone was pairing off and beginning to dance, and as I stood speaking to Sam and some of Mrs Sutherland's friends, I noticed William beginning to make his way over towards us. He seemed to be a little unsteady on his feet, and his smile was wide, spreading over his face as he saw me.

'The lovely Miss Lennox!', he said bowing. 'May I have the pleasure of a dance?'

I giggled slightly to see him bowing in front of me. 'I'm afraid you will have to show me the steps. I do not know how to dance.'

'Certainly – it would be my pleasure.' he held out his arm and looked at me expectantly. I took it, and together we walked towards the dance floor.

When we reached the crowd of people, moving in time to the music, he took my hands in his.
'Now, you put one hand on my waist like this, and the other on my shoulder. Now simply follow me in time to the music.'

'You make it sound so easy.' I commented, smiling.

'That's because it is easy.' he replied, placing one hand on the small of my back. With the other firmly on my shoulder, he pulled me closer towards him and we began to move to the music.
I felt rather odd at being pulled towards him – I had not been this close to a man since Dickon, and I felt a little self conscious. I could feel his hand firmly on my back, and for the first time wondered about his motives when he had asked me to dance. However, it was only a fleeting thought and I was sure he viewed me as nothing more than a friend of the family – and thought of me in the same way I thought of him. Besides, we had rarely ever had a chance to speak before, and of all the Sutherlands I felt as though I knew him the least. I was pleased he was teaching me how to dance, but at the same time I was looking forward to the dance ending and getting back to Sam. I glanced over to where she was standing and she waved at me, smiling. I smiled back at her, then she turned back to the conversation. I heard one of Mrs Sutherland's friends laughing. Sam must have said something funny, I thought, knowing her and her sarcastic sense of humour. I had no doubt that she was as uncomfortable with the entire event as I was.

'You dance beautifully... Mary.' he said, leaning down to whisper into my ear. 'I find it hard to believe that you didn't know how.'

I couldn't think of a proper response, and something about his tone made me blush.

'Thank you', I mumbled in response, not knowing what else to say. He continued to whirl me around the room. Around us, brightly clothed women were moving, their hair and dress glittering like diamonds. He whirled me around so fast that I almost shrieked. Breaking away, I stopped to catch my breath and then began to laugh.

'I didn't know dancing could be this exhausting!' I exclaimed.

'Come on!' he replied, teasingly. 'Surely you can't be tired yet? we've only been dancing for five minutes!'

He pulled me back into his arms, spinning me towards the centre of the ballroom floor.

'It is so loud in here...' he said, trailing off, looking over my shoulder. We had neared the orchestra and I could barely hear him as he said 'perhaps we should go somewhere... quieter... just the two of us.'

'I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch what you said.' I answered loudly, feeling suddenly nervous at the thought of being alone with him. All of a sudden I wanted nothing more than to head back to Sam, who was still waiting for me with Mrs Sutherland's friends.

He leaned over and spoke into my ear, and I smelt the alcohol on his breath. 'I said, perhaps we should go somewhere where we can be... alone.'

'I...But Sam is waiting for me. I promised her I wouldn't leave her alone for too long.'

I felt him stiffen in my arms, but all he said was 'of course, it wouldn't do to take you away from your party now, would it?'

We danced on in silence, until the song had finished, and I used the opportunity to break away from him.

'Thank you for teaching me how to dance.' I said, giving him what I hoped to be a dazzling smile. 'but I really must return to Sam now.'

'I cannot tempt you to join me for another?'

'No, but thank you all the same.'

He shrugged. 'As you wish'.

He offered his arm to me and I placed my own through it, and he led me away from the dance floor, back to the raucous group of women that Sam had been entertaining.

'Thank you for the dance, it was a pleasure', he said, and then departed without saying another word.

'Ah Mary! thank god', Sam whispered loudly, slipping my arm into hers.

I glanced back towards William, once more, and saw him now standing silently with his friends, a whiskey tumbler in his hand. He quickly downed the amber liquid with a grimace and then stood, eyeing me silently. I felt uneasy and quickly turned away, wondering why I suddenly felt as though I had done something to upset him.

--------------------------------

“I'll be right back, Sam,” I whispered to her.

“I'll hold you to your word.” she murmured to me, before turning back to her Grandmother's friends.

I made my way quickly out of the room, needing to be alone. All night I had been conversing and making small talk with various friends of the Sutherlands. I felt exhausted, and in need of a few quiet moments to myself.

The stairway was empty, and I headed slowly upstairs to our bedroom, pausing every so often to catch my breath, cursing at the tight lacing of my gown. Not only did it make breathing difficult, but it made it virtually impossible to move anywhere with great haste. I sighed with anticipation at the thought of removing it, wondering if my ribs would ever sufficiently recover.
What would you make of all this, Dickon? I wondered as I entered our bedroom. All the guests, all the society beauties and the flowers and crystal goblets? I sighed, knowing where I would rather be. Safe with Dickon on the Moor, with the only fragrance being that of the heather in bloom.

It was dark inside, save for the dim light of a candle that we had lit earlier. I made my way over to the dresser and reached inside for the handful of letters that Dickon had sent to me. Reaching down into the bottom of the drawer I was surprised to realise that they were not there. Frowning I searched again with my hand, feeling a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I froze as I heard the sound of a low chuckle coming from behind me. I scarcely dared to move, but forced myself to turn around, hoping that I'd just imagined it. My blood ran cold with terror when, out of the corner of my eye, I saw William, standing in the darkness, his form outlined by the weak candlelight.

'Looking for something?' he slurred. Still shocked I glanced down and saw that he was holding my treasured letters from Dickon in his outstretched hand, with a malicious grin spread across his features.

'What are you doing here?' I whispered, moving further back into my seat, all of my instincts telling me to run.

'I got bored with your party.' he snapped. 'and came up here to see what the two of you have been up to. Little did I realise what an interesting discovery I would make.'

'How dare you!' I said softly. 'You've been looking through my things. Those letters are private.'

'So I see,' he chuckled, holding out one of the letters. He cleared his throat: 'My dear Mary, I ache to see you, to hold you in my arms. Every day without you feels like an eternity....' lord, this reads just like those romance novels my dear sisters are always burying their heads in.' He laughed 'and to top it all off, it is from none other than the garden boy himself, the infamous Dickon! oh wouldn't my parents love to know who you've been corresponding with – and being quite intimate with, by the sounds of it.'

I froze as he made his way towards me. 'You've got no right to be here.' I said, trying to sound braver than I felt. I began to tremble, with both anger and fear. 'Those letters are private and are none of your business.'

'Oh I think you're mistaken.' he replied silkily, 'I know your secret, and I'm sure you wouldn't want it to end up in the wrong hands...' he shook his head in a parody of sympathy. 'Dear me, I'd hate to think what your uncle would have to say about this. I'm sure he couldn't imagine his innocent young niece capable of such improper behaviour.'

'Get out.' I said, my voice shaking. 'Get out right now!'

'You know, I don't think that I will.' He slurred. 'I think you and I have some unfinished business to attend to.'

'I don't know what you're talking about.' I said, and got up off the seat and straightened up, my heart pounding. 'Get out of this room or I'll -'

'Or you'll what?' he smirked, edging closer to me. 'Call my parents, my sister? what do you think they will think of you when they discover you in such a compromising position? especially after I tell them that it was you who seduced me and begged me to come up here with you.'

'They'd never believe that!' I almost shouted at him, feeling tears welling up in my eyes. 'I'm sure they're all aware of what a cad you are!'

'But I've no doubt they would believe my word over yours... especially when they discover the nature of your relationship with that gardening boy.' he spat, anger contorting his features into ugliness. 'and to think, all that time I thought you wanted me – when it was him you were thinking about, pining away after. You come into our family and lead me on – flirt with me all night long at the party, and then I discover that you already have a little paramour.' He strode quickly over to me and I backed away, feeling more frightened than I ever had in my life. I made towards the doorway, but he grabbed hold of my arm, roughly pulling me towards him.

'Now, now, my lovely. That will never do.' I struggled to break free of his grip, but felt him pull me tighter towards him, pressing me up against his body. He was tall, much taller than I was, and strong. 'I think I might need to teach you a lesson – although you are no doubt already well educated in the subject.' I cried out and struggled more fiercely as he reached his head down to kiss me. He brutally and forcefully pulled me into an embrace, the smell of alcohol strong and overpowering. I gasped when he finally broke free, and catching him unawares, slapped him hard across the face.

'You little bitch,' he spat, his features contorting with anger. 'you'll pay for that.'

We struggled together, he grasped my wrists painfully, caught me off balance, and threw me down on the bed. I struggled valiantly against him, but he was too strong. He pinned me down beneath him, leaving me struggling to breathe. Tears streaked down my face, as I gulped back sobs. My pleas for him to release me went unheard as he pushed my dress up and thrust himself between me.

'I think it's time for you to learn what happens when you play with fire.' he whispered cruelly.

-------------------------------


'Mary, Mary? are you in there? is everything alright?'

I heard the door slowly creak open, and a few seconds later Sam's anxious face appeared.

'There you are. I knew you wanted to be alone for a while, but you've been gone an awfully long time and I've been wondering where you were. What have you - ' Her voice cut off sharply as she came closer and noticed me sprawled out on the bed. Taking in my tear-stained face, tussled hair and clothing she quickly came over and took my hand. 'Mary! what happened? oh Mary, what's wrong?'

The sobs within my throat rose up, which made replying impossible. Instead I reached over and pulled her towards me, my despair washing over me in waves.

'He, He...'

'Who did this to you, Mary?' Sam said softly.

'I... I can't talk about it.' I finished. 'Just please go down and make my excuses to everyone ... please Sam...'

'I don't want to leave you!' she said, 'look at you! something awful has happened... oh Mary, please tell me what it is.'

'I can't Sam', I cried, 'Just go please.'

She finally left, after promising that she would come back as soon as she could. As soon as she left I got up, wincing from the pain that seemed to come from deep inside me, and locked the door, pure fear sweeping over me at the thought of him returning. I walked over to the mirror, still feeling as though this was just a nightmare that I would wake up from. I would open my eyes and it would be morning, and I would be in my bedroom at Misselthwaite, and all of this would just be a bad dream. It had to be, what just happened couldn't have happened. In shock I looked into the mirror at the tear-stained face of the stranger staring back at me. My hair, which had been so neatly pinned and decorated was dishevelled, and my gown was slightly torn in places and some of the beadwork had become loose. I sat down at the dressing table, and without thinking about it, picked up a fresh sheet of paper and pen, and began writing to the one person I knew I could trust, pausing only to wipe away rogue tears.

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'Miss Lennox is indisposed.' I heard Sam say to Charlotte, as she stood in the doorway. 'I will help her to undress tonight.'

Her voice came to me like the whisper of someone across the distance of a vast ocean. I was laying in bed, still fully dressed, my mind receding. I felt as though I was sinking further and further down, into a darkness that was all encompassing.

Soft hands found me and stroked my feverish forehead. 'Shhhhh...' Sam whispered, slowly pulling me up and coming behind me to unbutton my gown. I felt her eyes taking in the rips and tears, but she said nothing. She pushed my gown down and set about loosening the strings of my corset. 'Does that feel better?' she asked softly. I couldn't answer but nodded a reply, holding my hands stiffly at my side. I felt incapable of moving, and patiently, Sam held up my nightgown, and gently slipped it over my head. I poked my arms through, automated motions that seemed to have very little direction from me. Quietly, she lead me towards the bed we now shared and got in beside me, reaching out her arm and pulling me towards her. At that point I gave in and sobbed. I cried for Dickon, for my home, and for my loss of innocence, knowing that things could never be the same ever again.