My Secret, Chapter 16

My Secret – Chapter 16:
The Outcome

'Mary, calm down. I had to talk to him.' Sam was standing by the door, wringing her hands, her pale face distraught. 'He is your cousin. He deserves to know.'

I smashed another vase to the ground, fury rising and taking control.

'You knew damned well that I didn't want Colin to know. I should never have told you. Never!'
I was livid, shaking with rage, and wishing that I could tear off the dress that constricted me at my waist and throat. My despair had recently begun to turn into anger, and now it was building inside me, and I felt powerless to control it.

'Mary,' she gulped 'you're not yourself right now. If you would only listen to what I've got to say - '

'Say what?' I interjected, my voice cutting through the air like a knife. 'That he no longer wants anything to do with me because of what happened between me and his precious William?' I laughed hollowly, 'Lord knows, he probably wishes that William did more than force himself on me!'

'He wants to help you!' Sam shouted. I looked up at her, hardly believing what she had just said.
'What?' I gasped. This was unexpected, to say the least.

'He said that he thinks William's behaviour has been despicable and villainous. Mary, he wants to help you – us – if you'll have him.'

'He said that?'

'Yes Mary, he did.'

I sighed and sank to the bed, overwhelmed with relief, and felt the anger begin to dissipate.

'Yes, I do want him. If our plan is to succeed, we will need his help. Oh Sam!' I looked around surveying the room, taking in the fragments of glass and strewn flowers that littered the carpet. I looked at them in astonishment, as though they had been scattered by somebody else. I lifted my hands helplessly. Softly I said, 'I'm sorry.'

She responded only by coming to me and putting her arms around me, pulling her closely towards her. I responded to her warmth, which had been a constant source of comfort over the past week since the night of the party.

'It's alright. I'll just tell Mother that the wind blew it over.' she smiled. 'I never did like that vase, anyway.'

'Neither did I.' I whispered, and all of a sudden the two of us broke into nervous laughter. It was only for a brief moment, but it was enough.

She bent down and gathered the broken pieces in her hands, moving them to the nearby washbasin. I bent down to help her, thinking ironically of how much my life had become like the shattered vase. All at once pure and whole, and then a split second later, damaged beyond repair. I sighed, trying to push the thought out of my mind. William had done more than hurt me physically.

Luckily for me, he had departed unexpectedly the morning following the party. I hadn't known it then, as I had lain ill and feverish, but Sam had informed me of it later. It hadn't taken much for her to find out the cause of my sickness, apparently I had been groaning and talking in my sleep. When she had discovered what her brother had done it had taken all my strength to stop her from running to see her Father and telling him what had happened.

I might have stopped her from doing that, but together the two of us had come up with an even better plan.

Sam had gone to see Colin and tell him what had transpired, knowing that in order for our plan to work, we needed his help.

'So I went and spoke to him earlier today', Sam was telling me, as we sat together in our room that night. 'He was in his room and I went right in. I think he was surprised to see me as he sat straight up in his desk, and dropped his pen – and looked at me with those big grey eyes of his. I told him that I had something urgent to talk to him about and that he had to promise to keep what I was going to tell him, a secret.'

Sam's story:

'Colin', I said. 'I need to know that I can trust you.'

He had looked at me so intently then, that I thought his eyes might have almost popped out of his head.

'Trust me?' he had said, sounding confused.

'Yes, I need to be able to trust me. I have something very serious to discuss with you.'

I was worried that the poor thing felt as though it was something to do with him, some indiscretion or other that he thought he might have committed. Nonetheless, I closed the door and sat down on his bed, facing him. He had gone quite white by this stage.

'It's about your cousin. She's in a lot of trouble.'

'M-Mary?!' he had stammered, looking shocked.

I then nodded to him, with a grim expression on my face.

'Colin…something terrible has happened to her, and she needs your help.'

He had then put his head in his hands, and I had gone to him.

'What happened?' he whispered.

'William, he…. Colin…he forced himself on her.' I blurted it out quickly, then continued. 'It happened the night of the party. That's why she's been keeping to her room so much over the past few days. Colin…I think that may be why William left so suddenly the next day.'

Colin's face grew more pale, and when he spoke his voice was quiet, and trembled slightly. 'I simply can't believe this…that Will would do such a thing... Sam... please say that it isn't true, that this is some kind of trick you and Mary are playing on me.'

'For God's sake Colin Craven!' I had said, my breath exploding out angrily as I spoke. 'This is not a joke. Your cousin needs your help.'

'But William…. I thought- and he is your brother, Sam.'

'Look Colin, do you think I don't know that? And to be honest with you, he ceased being my brother when he tried to force himself on your cousin.'

I had felt close to tears at that point, drained from the events of the past few days. I had thought of you then, Mary, and how pale and thin you were growing, and I felt so sick at the thought that I was his sister. I had wanted to take Colin and shake him, and force him to understand. However, by some miracle, he did.

'You know', he said slowly 'I always did feel that there was a part of Will that I couldn't trust. I know he liked…well, there is no other way to put it – he liked his ladies.' He blushed, colour returning to his pale face. 'Earlier this year he took me to a “friend’s” residence and introduced me to some young women, whom I thought were of rather dubious character, and then asked if I - '

'Colin Craven! I do not want to hear about your dalliances with my brother.'

'Oh, I'm sorry Sam.' he said, looking up and seeing me, as though he had forgotten I was there in the room with him. His cheeks grew pinker still, and an uncomfortable silence fell between us.
'Oh never mind about that!' I said impatiently. 'Look, your cousin needs our help.'

'What are we going to do?' he asked, raising his hands hopelessly.

'We are going to make sure we keep Mary safe. Colin…. She is not faring very well and I am worried about her.'

He groaned, his voice growing serious. 'God Sam, I feel awful. I should have seen how William felt – I could have stopped him.'

'Look Colin, there is no point discussing this any further. We cannot undo this. All we can do is keep Mary safe. And you and I both know the place she needs to go for that to happen.'

'Misselthwaite.' he whispered, looking away. 'She needs to go home.'

'And that, Colin Craven, is why we need your help.'

I had moved closer to him, and lowered my voice to a whisper. 'And here is what we are going to do.'

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'So that's what happened.' Sam finished. 'I spoke to him, and we came to an arrangement. Once he knew all the details of what happened he seemed determined to do everything in his power to help you – us, Mary. You know that I can't stay here either, not after what has happened.'

'I know. But Sam, I want to make sure you're leaving for the right reasons.'

She raised her hands and gestured around her. 'What is there here for me, Mary? If I stay it will only be a matter of time before Mother organises a match for me. What do I have to look forward to by staying here?'

I wanted to say 'your life' but she was right. There was nothing for her here. I had been in London long enough to know that. I knew that Sam was a spirited girl, and that she felt constricted and trapped with her circumstances.

'It will be dangerous, you know.' my voice sounded hollow. I was so tired. 'They might find out and stop us. And what of when we arrive at Misselthwaite? I hardly think my Uncle will welcome us with open arms.'

'He'll come around, Mary. Especially once we tell him what happened to you.'

I grimaced, the thought of telling my Uncle bringing back images from that fateful night – images I was trying desperately not to dwell on.

'What about your parents?' I said, quickly changing the subject.

'I will leave them a letter explaining everything. What William did, why we had to go, that I felt the need to accompany you, that Colin has also gone for the same reason. They will be angry, Mary, of course I know that. But sometimes you have to make people angry, in order to do the right thing.'

'You're beginning to sound like me,' I said, taking her hand in mine. 'I never did live life to please anybody else.'

She gripped my hand tightly and tried to smile, but her dark eyes showed the fear that she didn't dare to voice.

'I can't deny that I'm afraid, but I want to do this. It feels… right.'

'I'm scared, too. I haven't been home for so long, and….' The question I was so desperate to talk about remained frozen on my lips. Sam noticed my hesitation and asked me softly to go on.
I nervously drew in my breath, 'Well, its just that after what happened… when I tell Dickon that is – Oh, I don't know Sam, I just hope he still loves me, that's all.'

I let my breath out in a shaky exhale and closed my eyes, trying not to see Dickon turning away. Trying not to picture him as I had done so many times over the last week – looking at me in disgust and disbelief before walking away from me. That Dickon would be supportive of me was one of the only things that kept me going. I knew I would have to tell him…. Eventually.

'Mary, your Dickon sounds like a very noble sort of person, someone who is understanding and kind.' she paused, searching for words, and I held my breath again. 'If what you tell him doesn't make him want to go and deal to my brother, then I might just have to knock some sense into him myself!'

We both laughed at this. I had to admit - I loved Sam's sense of humour at times like these.
'I'd like to see you try!' I gasped, still laughing. 'He is a rather big lad.'

'We'll be careful. Colin knows what he is doing. I never thought before this week that I'd put so much trust in him, but Mary, your cousin is a good person. I know it. I guess I just didn't have a chance to see it before. He wants to help you.'

I smiled fondly in spite of myself, remembering the determined little boy who always got his own way. 'Yes, he is a good person, Sam. I just feel as though we've drifted apart over the last two years. I never did tell him about Dickon, either. I don't know how he'd react... you see, the three of us were always so close when we were younger.'

'You know Mary, I think he would be happy for you. I really do. Colin may seem as though he just cares for himself, but I know he cares for you very much, and just wants to see you feeling happy.'

'So he agreed on our plan?' I asked her, closing my eyes to fight back tears. I could almost feel Misselthwaite now; it seemed almost close enough to be able to touch.

'Yes, and together we've worked out all the details. They will never suspect anything. By the time they realise that we've gone, we'll be on our way. Like I said before, I'm going to leave a letter to Mother and Father explaining everything.'

'You shouldn't have to sacrifice your relationship with your parents Sam, for my account,' I said, feeling angry that it had come to this.

'Mary, they will never let me go otherwise… and I want to be with you to make sure that you come through this. I can't stay here now. I am ready to face the consequences of my actions. You needn't worry.'

'Your parents won't be happy, Sam.' In fact, I thought to myself, ‘not happy’ was probably the world's biggest understatement when it came to how they'd feel once they found out that their youngest daughter had run away.

'No,' she said slowly 'they won't be. But Mary, I need to do this. There is nothing for me here. What else am I going to do? I am not destined to live an exciting life. If Mother had her way I would no doubt be engaged already, and about to perpetuate the existence that she had. I don't want that for myself, and if getting into trouble with my parents is the sacrifice I have to make, then so be it.'

She had such a determined look in her eyes, and I didn't doubt for a moment that she meant every word. Gratitude welled up in me, that I had such a friend, who would help me out in my time of need.

'You've been so good to me, Sam…. I know I don't say things like this enough, but thank you.'

She smiled.

'You're very welcome. Now, let’s get ready for bed. We have a big day tomorrow.'

She rang the bell for Charlotte, then said softly to me, 'And don't forget, Mary, you have been such a good friend to me. Helping you in this way is the least I can do.'

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'I don't know why William had to leave in such a hurry.' Mrs Sutherland was saying. 'He hardly mentioned where he was going.'

'You know young men, Lydia,' her Mother, the formidable Mrs Bennet replied. 'They have itchy feet. They are best left to their own devices. Besides,' she said, taking a spoonful of soup, 'didn't he say that he would be visiting Mark Lawrence’s family in Brighton?'

'Yes, he did say that. It's just that he left so abruptly Mother. It is not like him at all.'

'Hmmmph.' the elder woman said. 'He'll come back, mark my words.'

I sat at the dining table idly stirring my soup. I had barely touched my meal. The incident with William had left me without much of an appetite.

Mrs Sutherland turned her attention to me.

'Child, you have hardly eaten any of your soup.'

'I'm sorry Mrs Sutherland, I am not hungry.'

'Well, I hope your Uncle doesn't accuse us of being poor hosts when you return to him in December thin enough for the wind to blow you away.'

I tried my best to smile at her joke. 'I'm sure my appetite will have returned by then.'

I caught Colin's eye at that point, and he looked away rather guiltily. This was to be our last dinner at the Sutherland residence for a while, after all.

'It's a ladies constitution, Lydia.' remarked Mrs Bennet dryly. 'I seem to recall that you did not have a very large appetite at Miss Lennox's age.'

That moved the conversation on to other things as Mrs Sutherland began reminiscing over her youth. Usually, I would have found this irritating as she would talk on and on about the London season and the spectacular dresses, but personally, tonight I was glad for the distraction. They didn't suspect anything, and this time tomorrow I would be safely at Misselthwaite.
It was the only thing I could think about, and, I thought, the only thing that was stopping me from giving in to my weary and battered soul.

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It was late at night and Sam and I were packing what meagre amount of clothes we could, into two small carpet bags. Silently I folded my gowns, methodically placing them in the bag. We were hoping to travel light, to avoid suspicion.

I placed a white chemise on top of my lilac dress. I was thankful to leave the peach coloured dress on it's hanger in the cupboard, although if I had had the room, I would have liked to take it to Misselthwaite and burn it.

'What should I take, Mary?' Sam whispered. 'I don't know what would be suitable for the country.'

'Just a couple of gowns, nothing fancy, Sam. Make sure you wear some sturdy walking boots, too. You won't be able to go very far in those Satin slippers.' I gestured down at her ruby clad feet.

'We will need our coats, I suppose?' she said, going to her wardrobe.

'Yes, we will. It will be cold on the moors.'

'Right. Coats, scarf, and gloves.'

She was muttering to herself, going to her wardrobe and returning with the necessary items.
I folded the last gown and then remembering, went to the dresser to retrieve my precious letters from Dickon. These I wrapped in an old chemise before tucking them firmly into the bag. I closed the latch, and fastened the buckle. It was done. I was ready to go home.

'When did Colin say we had to meet him?'

'Just past Midnight, outside the house. We figured that would be the best time to move. When everyone is likely to be asleep.'

'That makes sense.' I said. 'So we have just under two hours to wait.'

'Yes. And Mary, I cannot stress how important it is that we don't make a sound. If we were to be caught….' Sam's voice trailed off.

I nodded, aware of how serious the situation was.

'So now, all we have to do is wait. And hope that Colin sticks to his word.'

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The time passed slowly, as it always does when you are looking forward to something. Sam and I sat in semi-darkness, near the window, our faces illuminated by the light of a single candle. We listened to the noises of the house. The sound of the servants scurrying about downstairs, of Mr and Mrs Sullivan retiring to their rooms. The creaking of bedsprings, the drip of taps, the empty sound of the night outside our window.

My heart was beating fast and hard. I felt tensed with anticipation at the thought of what we were about to do. Sam was obviously feeling apprehensive, and every few minutes would get up to check her packing and had begun to wring her hands as she sat in her chair by the window, which I had come to know as a sign of nervousness.

Finally, the clock in the hallway dimly resounded midnight.

'It is time.' I whispered, easing myself up out of the chair.

'Yes,' she replied, looking as though she was about to faint. Unsteadily she got to her feet. Her face seemed paler than usual and I wondered if she really would go through with our plan.

'Are you sure you want to do this?' I asked.

'I'm sure.' she nodded affirmatively, making her way over to the door where her carpet bag sat.

'Then let's go.' I said quietly, and pushed open the door.

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Colin was waiting for us when we finally made our way outside. His pale face made even paler by the light of the full moon. I shivered slightly in the crisp night air, but felt more alive than I had in weeks. I looked over at Sam. She was buttoning up her coat and looking apprehensive. I went over to Colin, who was standing away from the road.

'Will the carriage be here soon?'

He nodded. 'It should be. I arranged for it to arrive just after midnight.'

If he was nervous, I couldn't tell. He spoke confidently enough. I was sure he was holding something back from me though, but guessed I would find out what it was soon enough.

'Come, let’s walk a little further down the street.' whispered Sam, coming up to us. 'We may well get spotted here.'

The three of us walked a little distance away, none of us saying anything to the other. I could feel the excitement of the night's events coursing through my veins, and for the first time in weeks I felt really, truly alive – and awake.

Until now, the plan had seemed just that – a plan. Something that didn't seem to have a firm base in reality. Now that it was really happening I could hardly believe it, but excitement grew inside me at the thought that this time tomorrow night, I would be home.

I wondered how Dickon would react upon seeing me. It had been so long, it seemed, since I had left. I pondered on this and came to the conclusion that it wasn't the length of time that I had been away, but the fact that so much had happened within that time.

I couldn't wait to leave it all behind and push the encounter with William further away from my conscious thoughts. My only thought of him now was that I wanted him to pay for what he had done to me. Numerous ideas had crossed my mind since that fateful night, but I knew that once I was home I would be able to devise the right kind of punishment for him. Oh yes, I thought to myself. He will suffer for what he has done.

We stopped further down the street and stood, silently, in the cool night air. Every single noise seemed enhanced in the stillness of the night, and I impatiently wondered where the cab was. I wish it would hurry, I thought to myself, sneaking furtive glances back up at the red brick facade of the Sutherland's large house. Were Colin and Sam growing as nervous as I? If they were, they didn't show it.

At last, the steady sound of hoof beats told us that it had come.

'Quick,' muttered Colin, as the cab pulled up beside us. We opened the door and got inside the dimly lit interior, while Colin spoke to the driver. Then he swung himself up and joined us inside.

The inside of the cab smelt damp, the leather seats ripped and torn in places. But I didn't care about any of that; I was on my way home. I looked up and saw Sam smiling nervously at me from across the seats. 'It's finally happening, Mary.' she said softly. She then turned to Colin who was seated at her left. 'Colin Craven, you're a genius!'

My cousin turned a darker shade of pink. 'It was nothing, really. All I did was organize the cab.'

'I think what Sam's trying to say is that we couldn't have done it without your help, Cousin.' I said warmly, feeling the animosity I had felt for him over the last month slowly slipping away.

'Don't go giving him a big head, Mary!' Sam said playfully, and we all laughed.

I looked at Colin, at his face breaking into a grin, and for the first time in so long, saw the young boy he had once been, who had been healed by the secret garden. Perhaps things would work out, after all. For all of us.