My Secret, chapter 4

Chapter 4:
When you feel you have lost your way

Almost three weeks had passed since that fateful day in the garden. The weeks had flown by in a series of dress fittings, outings to the village, and general preparations for my imminent departure. Time was moving quickly, the end of September fast approaching, and with it, the end of my time at Misselthaite and the end of my days of freedom in the garden.

Dickon and I hadn't really spoken since that awkward moment in the garden – the one that I constantly replayed over and over in my mind whenever I was alone. The feeling of his arm around me, the warmth and nearness of his body, the look in his eyes... the magic I had felt pass through us, his face leaning closer to mine... Alone at night, lying in bed, I would think of that moment and imagine Dickon's face edging closer to mine, his arm around me still. Except that in my imaginings, he wouldn't pull away from me. He would draw closer and closer until it felt as though we had become one.

I had begun to experience an intense longing to see him, and would use any excuse I could to sneak out of the house to watch him work. I would watch as he chatted amicably to Ben Weatherstaff, noting the tilt of his cap upon his head, and the casual and relaxed way he leaned upon the handle of his spade. I would watch him as he went about his duties in the garden, and when he walked a rake slung over his broad shoulders. I longed to speak to him, but my feelings were too confused for me to know what to say, or where to begin. I worried that Dickon felt embarrassed over what had happened. He kept his distance from me and I from him, beyond the occasional mumbled greeting and downward glance of eyes we partok in whenever we crossed each other's path. Something had definitely passed between us in the garden, a feeling that I had never experienced in all our years of being friends. It was deeper, and infinitely more powerful. And it was this feeling now, that caused the awkwardness between us. So I continued to watch Dickon from the shadows, unsure of how to proceed.

When I wasn't watching Dickon, I was engaged in more mundane duties within the house. Mrs Medlock had taken it upon herself to 'instruct me how to behave like a lady' in all manners, and almost overnight, my freedom to wander around Misselthaite and do as I pleased, had been taken away. My day was now filled with a continued monologue of instruction on the 'proper' way to do things. 'Now Miss Mary', she would say, glaring pointedly at me 'ladies do not run through corridors, nor do they come tramping into the house with mud on their boots!', 'ladies do not spend hours out of doors, and in the full glare of the sun!', 'ladies do not grip a teacup in that manner!' and so it went on. Worst of all, I had been fitted in a new corset, which Mrs Medlock had insisted be pulled as tight as possible. My lovely comfortable gardening clothes had been replaced overnight by stiff gowns of the latest fashion, with impossibly tight lacing. These restricted both my breathing and movement and by the end of the day, left my body feeling sore and bruised. Of course, this was something else that would 'make me a lady' and Mrs Medlock remarked once, when I complained to her about it, that it was simply something I must endure and would grow used to, in time. In time, I thought bitterly, thinking of the endless days of tight lacing and behaving in a 'proper' manner. No longer was my hair left to flow free, but was now pulled back each morning, into a severe bun and pinned to my head. The complete effect was startling – I looked more like a lady every day, yet in my heart I had never felt so miserable and caged.

I had tried to rebel at first. I had untied my hair, and loosened the laces of my corset until my breath came easily again. I had unbuttoned the front of my gown and kicked off my satin slippers to replace them with my gardening boots. I had set off defiantly to the garden where I had sat digging furiously at the weeds that had sprung up in my absense. Of course, when Mrs Medlock found out where I had been, and more importantly, the wild look of my dress, she became more severe and critical than ever before.

Numerous times I had thought about just going to speak with Dickon, and wished that that our conversation could flow freely between us again, as it had always done before. Apart from the occasional greetings when we crossed each other's path, we hadn't really spoken since that morning in the garden.

Autumn had come to the garden now, and I watched sadly as the leaves on the trees turned brown and started to fall. Autumn signalled the end of my time at Misselthaite. In less than a week, I would be boarding a train bound for London. All the details had been planned out, and I was aware that Mrs Medlock would accompany me to London, where the Sutherlands would be awaiting me. My last journey had proved my release, and this one was to be the beginning of my imprisonment.

I began to have horrible nightmares, as the time for me to leave drew closer. Horrible vivid dreams, where I would wake up sweating and shaking. In some of them, I was in India wandering around my parent's bungalow, completely alone. In other dreams, I saw everyone I had ever cared for, far off in the distance – and no matter how fast I ran towards them, I could never catch up. But the worst dreams were those that involved Dickon and the garden. In these dreams I would be kept in London so long that I would return to Misselthaite to find it a desolate and deserted house. I would walk slowly down the path to the secret garden only to find it savaged by years of wind and rain, over-run with weeds and Ivy, the roses all dying on their branches. I would call and call for Dickon, but he would never come and somehow, in these dreams, I knew that he was gone forever and would not be coming back. I thought then to myself, that I would never get another chance to speak to Dickon before I left. I thought I wouldn't get to tell him how much I cared for him. I thought that the magic would disappear and be lost forever. I thought this, but I was wrong.