My Secret, Chapter 13

Chapter 13:
A letter from home and Sam's revelation

'What are you writing, Mary?'

I turned around from the letter I was penning to Dickon, and saw William, staring at me from across the room.

'Oh... nothing important... just a letter to my Uncle.'

I hastily covered the letter with a book that was lying nearby and turned around to give William an innocuous smile. He smiled back at me, then said:

'Well, surely it's nothing to be embarrassed about! but I don't recall Colin writing so many letters to Lord Craven when he arrived here – and he is his son!'

'Er...I just wanted him to know how I've been settling in... and the preparations for the party this weekend.'

Sam nudged me and gave me a small smile. She was sitting next to me, engaged in embroidery. I still didn't know where she got the patience to pursue something so tedious and time-consuming.

'Ah yes, the party!' William exclaimed, coming over to sit next to us. 'We haven't had a good gathering here in a long time, have we Sam?'

'Not since the last time you invited your University friends over.' Sam said drily.

'And Mary, Mother was not impressed!' laughed Pat, who had also come over to join us.

'Although,' laughed William 'I think your party is going to be a more sedate affair... hmm... lets see... Mother's old cronies will be attending, Grandmother's bridge friends, no doubt...I don't suppose there will be anyone your own age coming along?'

'What do you think, big brother?' asked Sam, raising an eyebrow and looking up from her embroidery.

'The possibility of that happening? I'd say “slim to none”.

'Exactly.'

'Which is why I've taken it upon myself to invite a couple of ... friends over, to participate in the festivities.'

Pat groaned. 'Will – remember what happened last time?'

'Have you asked Mother?' Sam added. 'I can't imagine she'd be too keen on you bringing your friends into the house again.'

'My dear sisters, have some faith in your older brother! the young men who will be attending will be only the most respectable indeed. Besides, it would be a sad state of affairs if there were to be no eligible bachaelors attending to admire my little sister at her coming out party? not to mention the beautiful Miss Lennox?'

'Fine.' said Sam, shrugging. 'But just remember, it was your idea. And don't go trying to pin anything on us if things go haywire and Mother disapproves.'

'You worry too much, little sister. What could possibly go wrong?'

'Well, for one thing - '

'Ah William! there you are!' Colin came rushing into the room, his cheeks rosy. 'I've been looking for you everywhere.'

'I've just been entertaining your lovely cousin, Colin. Although I think I may have interrupted her letter writing.'

Colin turned to look at me quizzically.

'You... writing letters, Mary! you barely wrote me a page when I was away from Misselthwaite all that time.'

'She's writing to your Father.' William explained.

'To Father?' Colin queried.

'Yes Colin – and really, I don't see why it should come as such a surprise. Unlike you, he actually writes back to me!' I added quickly.

'Hmmph. Well, it will give him something to do with his time, I suppose. Come on William, I need you upstairs. I need your advice on one of my assignments.'

I breathed a sigh of relief as the two of them exited the room. The last thing I needed was Colin discovering the nature of my letter writing... I hadn't thought much about what Colin would think about Dickon and I, but I knew he wouldn't look upon the match with favour. It wasn't that Colin didn't like and respect Dickon, but he had very clear ideas about class boundaries and I knew he had always considered Dickon as someone not quite in our league.

'Thank god they're gone.' said Sam, turning from her embroidery to look at me.' I can only take so much of those two when they're together.'

Pat laughed. 'You've read my mind exactly. So tell me, how are your lessons going with Miss Godfrey?'

I laughed, thinking of Miss Godfrey and her disapproving looks towards Sam and I as we whispered together when her back was turned.

'Oh you know, the same as usual. Really Pat, I simply cannot wait until I am your age and am finished with schooling forever.'

'Although then Mother will be eyeing up prospective husbands for you, Sam, which is even more tedious, believe me.'

'You know,' I said 'This makes me almost glad that I don't have a Mother. I couldn't stand the thought of someone organising a match for me. Marrying me off to some old man I couldn't stand!'

'My thoughts exactly.' Sam murmered. 'You should see some of the prospective 'husbands' she invites around for Pat. Talk about a boring lot!'

'Although William's friends are hardly what I'd consider eligible, either.' Pat said, frowning. 'Honestly, how does one find a good husband these days? I fear we are all doomed to a life of spinsterhood, girls.'

'Not all of us, Patricia.' Sam said slyly, giving me a nudge.

I turned sharply to look at Sam, but she was still impassively engaged in her embroidery. She wouldn't mention anything, would she? not after she had promised. I felt a sudden flare of anger and worse, fear.

Pat turned around to look inquisitively at her sister.

'And just who would you be referring to, Samantha?'

'Oh, no one.' Sam said vaguely, returning to her embroidery. 'Forget I said anything.'

She turned to look at me, once her sister had left the room, her green eyes shining darkly.
'And don't worry Mary, your secret is safe with me.'

--------------------------

Dear Mary, The letter said.

Firstly, many happy returns for your sixteenth birthday! please find enclosed a little gift from us all. We hope that the Sutherlands give you a sixteenth birthday to remember. Dickon tells me that Mrs Sutherland is organising a huge party in your honour. Oh Mary, how exciting! we wish you all the best for your big day.

We are all missing you here at home, and are hoping that things are going as well as can be expected with the Sutherland family. Lord Craven is well, and in good health, although I hear that he misses your company. The rest of the staff are doing well at Misselthwaite, and we're all doing well here. The wee ones are keeping me company, and Mother has come to visit, as has Dickon. We can hardly wait to see you again when you return at Christmas.
Dickon has asked me to enclose a personal letter of his within this one, so I hope you find it intact. He asks his forgiveness for any spelling mistakes he might have made, poor lad!
Take care, and give our love to Colin,

Love as always, Martha.

I opened the envelope further and found a little piece of paper under Martha's letter. My heart beat in excitement to see that it was covered in Dickon's scrawly, messy, writing.

My lovely Mary,

I hope this letter finds you well, and that you are being looked after by the Sutherland family. Thank you for your letter. It sounds as though you are finding your feet there and settling in well. I'm glad to hear that Colin is in good spirits and that his studies are going well.
I cannot tell you how much I wish I could help you celebrate your birthday. Just remmamber, although I am not there in person, I will be with you in spirit and thinking of you.

As I read further, my heart began to ache. I longed to hear his voice, to see him smile. I struggled to control the feelings I felt within me.

Things are going well here at Misselthwaite, well as can be expected given it's the beginning of winter. Ben has me hard at work in the garden each day, clearing away the old growth, pruning the trees and the rest of it. He keeps telling me that this winter he is going to make a man out of me! However, I've managed to spend a little time in our garden – mainly pruning the roses and doing the odd bit of weeding. I like this time of year, and remember what you always said about the garden going to sleep, only to wake to the coming of the spring when it emerges green and fresh and full of life. The only thing that would make life complete would be having you here. I miss you greatly, and cannot wait to see you when you return at Christmas. I will be counting down the days till then.

With much love, Dickon.

I brought his letter to my lips and kissed it lightly, closing my eyes. 'Dickon, I do love you so.' I whispered to myself, before folding it up tidily, and placing it in the bottom of my suitcase. 'I will be home soon, home to you, I promise.'

-----------------------------

'Charlotte, you're pulling my hair!' Sam exclaimed, as she sat in front of the mirror, clad in her nightdress. She was frowning into the mirror on her dressing table, watching as Charlotte brushed her long, dark, tresses.

'I'm sorry Miss, I'm trying to be careful.' Charlotte stammered, flushing deeply.

'Oh, never mind. I'll finish it myself. You may go now, Charlotte.'

Once Charlotte had left, Sam turned to look at me, her green eyes blazing with anger.

'I swear, if that girl pulls my hair like that one more time...'

I inwardly rolled my eyes. This was the fourth night in a row that Sam had complained about Charlotte's hairdressing skills, and I was growing a little weary of it.

'Here, let me finish your hair.' I offered, resisting the urge to sigh in exasperation. Sam could be quite tempermental at times, I had noticed. At first when I had met her I had thought her sweet and naïve. Now I knew there was much more to her than first met the eye. Much more.

I began brushing her long, dark hair. Marvelling at it's glossy colour as I did so. Sam always kept it immaculately brushed and with her piercing green eyes, it only added to her exotic beauty. But she was obviously not feeling beautiful tonight, as she stared into the mirror and groaned in frustration.

'Look at my hair! it is dead straight and boring and black!' she moaned. 'Why can't I have wavy golden hair like you, Mary? no wonder I don't have a beau yet. No wonder Dickon couldn't resist you!'

'Sam, Dickon has known me since I was a child. I'm probably one of the only girls he's ever met.'

'Maybe so, but I wish I had a strong, handsome Moor boy to call my own. All the young men Mother knows are so terribly tiresome. There are only a few that take my interest, and I'm sure they're not interested in me in the slightest!'

'Don't be ridiculous, Sam.' I replied wearily. I was beginning to get cross with her. 'You are going to look so beautiful at our party, especially in your new dress. All those young men would be silly not to be falling all over you.'

She didn't reply, just stared into the mirror, with a dark expression.

I finished brushing her hair and then placed the brush down on the dressing table.

'I didn't pull it too hard?' I said softly, trying to bring her out of herself.

'Oh, no, not at all.' she said, the darkness lifting as she turned around to look at me and smile. Like a sleeper waking up from a troubling dream.

I was relieved to see that she had come back to being herself, and went over to get into bed. The gas lamps near the bed glowed softly, and made me feel sleepy. I could hear rain on the roof overhead, pounding in a soft, toneless drone.

I heard Sam walk over to her bed, pull back the covers, and then pause.

'Oh Mary, it's so awfully cold in here. I think I shall freeze! can I just jump into bed quickly with you?'

I had never shared a bed with anyone before, and was hesitant on letting Sam share mine with me. Yet, I did miss the contact of another person, and it was a cold night.

'Alright then. Just don't steal all of the eiderdown.' I replied, moving over to give her some room.

She walked across the room, stood next to the bed and turned down the light, and then got in beside me. I shivered as I felt her cold body next to mine, and heard her sigh as she found my warmth.

'This is so much better than getting into a cold bed.' She sighed. 'I've never shared a bed with anyone before.'

'In Dickon's family they always sleep two to three to a bed.' I said sleepily. 'They say it keeps everyone warm in winter.'

'They'd be right about that.' Sam yawned, pulling the blankets further up around her. 'Tell me more about Dickon, Mary.' she said. 'Tell me what its like to have a beau.'

I stared up into the blackness of the ceiling and thought to myself. Just what was it like? wonderful? yes. Heartbreaking? yes. I had never had to describe my feelings to anyone before, and I struggled to find the right words.

'It's just such a wonderful feeling. Better than you could ever imagine. Being with Dickon makes me feel so good, but not just good, better than that. Complete, whole. When we're together, I feel whole.'

'Like you weren't complete before?' Sam asked, with curiousity.

'Yes, like i had been living my life incomplete. And being with Dickon completes me. When he is happy and smiles I feel good and it makes me smile too. When I think of him out on the moor on cold nights, I feel cold and wish that - ' I stopped suddenly, feeling as though I had said too much.

'Wish that what, Mary?'

'That... That he was with me. That we were lying here like this, side by side. That I could make him warm again.'

'Do you wish that he was here now?'

'More than anything, Sam.' I whispered. 'More than anything in the world.'

'Mary,' Sam began. She hesitated. 'I've got something to tell you.'

She sounded so unsure, which wasn't like her at all.

'Go on then, what is it?' I asked gently.

'Its... well, when I told you I had never had a beau I wasn't being completely honest... '

'You've had a beau?' I said, astonished at her revelation.

'Yes. His name was Edward. He's a friend of my brothers. Anyway, we began as friends. Whenever he came over to see William we would sit and talk. We always got on so well, and then we found chances to be alone, and our friendship began to turn into something else. He really loved me, he said. He said that he wanted to marry me. That if our parents wouldn't agree that we could elope. You see, he was from a very wealthy background and knew that his parents would look down on the match. We talked about running away, of eloping to Gretna Green. I wanted him, more than anything. However, it didn't turn out that way in the end.'

'What happened?' I asked sympathetically.

'His parents arranged a marriage between him and a young society woman. His Father gave him an ultimatum – either marry her or he would be cut out of his Father's will. Everyone knew about us by that stage. I suppose his Father must have known how close we were to running away together. I guess in the end his love of money won out over his love for me.'

She had began shaking and I realised that she was crying. I felt afraid and unsure. I had never comforted anyone before and didn't really know what to do. I hesitantly drew her into my arms and gently stroked her back while she sobbed.

After a few minutes she stilled and said 'I still see him sometimes, you know. With his new wife. She is a beautiful thing. Skin as pale as milk and long blonde hair – much like yours, Mary. How could I ever compare to someone like that?'

'You are beautiful, Sam' I said, turning to look at her. 'He was obviously a fool to pick her over you. Even if she did have a huge inheritance.'

She must have smiled, because her tone lightened. 'You're the first person I've spoken to about this for such a long time.' she said. 'I'm sorry Mary, I just can't help but get jealous when I think of your love for Dickon and his love for you and then think of my own life and all that I've missed out on. Our party is coming up in a few days and I just know that Mother will try to arrange a match for me, and I can't think of anything worse! I just want to be free to choose for myself, as you are free! and then there will be Christmas... that season is just fill of boring parties and having to meet 'eligible' bachaelors. I wish there was somewhere I could escape to where I wouldn't have to deal with all of this.'

'There is.' I said, an idea suddenly dawning on me. 'You could come to Misselthaite for Christmas, with me. I don't see why that would be a problem. Your parents know Uncle Archie, after all. I don't see why they would mind you accompanying me.'

'Oh Mary! do you really think that would be alright? and I would love to meet your Dickon! and to see your secret garden – even though it would be mostly covered in snow at that time of year.'

'I'm sure Uncle would love to have some visitors. And Colin will be coming back for Christmas, of course. Perhaps he could even invite your brother, William to come along too?'

'Mary! you are so lovely to me!' she exclaimed, her voice full of emotion. She hugged me tight and kissed me on the forehead. 'I'll ask Mother about it as soon as I get a chance.'

She soon slept, her body warm next to mine. However, I stayed awake, lying on my back, staring up at the high ceiling. What are you doing tonight, Dickon? I wondered. Are you safe inside? are you roaming the moor, looking for lost animals? are you shivering and pulling your coat tighter around you? are you dreaming? and... are you... are you thinking of me?
The rain droned down on the roof above, lulling me to sleep. I dreamt of Misselthaite, of being back home. In my dream, I was wandering through the paths of the garden, recognising every upturned stone, every landmark. I was heading towards the Secret Garden, I was holding my key, and had it ready to slip into the lock. And in my dream, at the end of the garden path - next to a door covered in Ivy, stood a tall, strong youth, waiting for me.