My Secret, Chapter 6

Chapter 6:
Archie's consolation

We had moved beyond friendship and were heading towards something infinitely more powerful. Dickon had kissed me – and I had kissed him back. I had felt his warm arms around me and had a felt a surge of feeling more powerful than I had ever known. Dickon's touch, and his warmth had made me feel more alive than I had in so long.

“You have no idea how long I've wanted this”, he had said.

Our parting had been difficult, but Dickon had already spent as much time as he dared in the garden. We had stood together, under the old Apple tree and he had kissed me once again. I had felt that moment of eternity flashing before my eyes, and with difficulty, we had parted.

'Well Miss Mary', he had said somewhat cheekily, with a smile, 'now Ben will really have a reason to disapprove of you!'

'I doubt it', I had replied, 'I'm not the one who is kissing young ladies when he should be working.' I had blushed then, but Dickon just threw back his head and laughed.

'Ah Lass! I pity the man who ever tries to get the better of you.'

I loved his laugh, and his cheeky smile. Without thinking, I reached up once again and kissed him quickly, and felt emotion rising up within me.

'Goodbye, Dickon', I had said. Not trusting myself to glance into those eyes again.

'I'll see you soon aye? he had asked, then smiling in pleasure at my affirmative nod had turned away, with his cap in his hands. I watched him as he walked away. Was it just my imagination, or was there more of a lightness to his step? He reached the door of the garden, and turned around and waved at me, smiling. I had waved back then.

I will see your eyes in every grain of sand, I thought.

I sat alone in the garden now, watching the sun beginning to drop over the horizon, and it's beams cast the garden with an amber glow. I couldn't remember the last time I had felt so deleriously happy, and simultaneously at a loss of how to proceed. My thoughts were in turmoil. Dickon loves me! I thought and felt as though my heart would burst with happiness. And I'm leaving! how can I leave now? how can I leave Dickon? Thoughts of Dickon seemed to have risen the surface of my mind and dominated everything else. I wondered what he was doing now, and wished that we could be together. Our time spent in the garden today had been all too brief, and I longed for him. Although he had left soon after we kissed it hadn't been awkward. He had held me in his arms and his smile had been so bright and alive, his eyes radiating light and happiness. I think we understood each other now, and I knew that neither of us had anything to fear from the other anymore. More than that, there had begun a desire between us that was longing to be fulfilled.

When I reached the house, I was still in a daze of feeling. Luckily, Mrs Medlock hadn't yet returned, so I was able to change back into my silk slippers and tidy my hair up before she arrived back from her trip to the village. I was just brushing my hair, when Sarah entered, curtsying when she saw me.

I was in the process of brushing my hair and softly humming to myself, smiling gently as I did so. She gave me a surprised look to see me so obviously changed in temperment before composing herself and saying 'I've been sent to tell ye that Master Craven would like to see you for dinner.'

'Thank you, Sarah', I replied then asked her to come over and help me pin my hair up. She headed towards me, taking the hairbrush I offered her, and a couple of hair pins from my dresser.

'My Miss! you've got your hair in a mess today!'

'Yes, I'm afraid I spent too much time outdoors'. then 'Oh Sarah, I've had such a wonderful day. I've been out all day working in the garden, and Dickon joined me – I felt myself blush as I said his name 'and he...helped'.

'Oh, very nice Miss. He is a lovely young lad.' she began pinning my hair up. 'Perhaps its a good thing that Mrs Medlock was away this morning.' I turned to her and she winked conspiratorily at me. 'Don't worry Miss, I won't tell her you were in the garden today, you can trust me.'

'Thank you Sarah, ' I said, feeling more warmth towards her than I had ever felt. More than anything, I wished we had the close relationship I had shared with Martha, who I had trusted with my most intimate secrets. However, Martha had been married for almost two years now, and I hadn't really had a girl I could talk to since then. Although I still visited her occasionally on my infrequent trips to the village, she was very much a married woman, and now had a young baby to look after.

'That's very nice of Dickon Sowerby to help you miss. I thought he was under Ben Weatherstaff's employ – does he still tend to the Secret Garden also?'

'Yes, he had always enjoyed spending time in the secret garden. He helped me bring it back to life many years ago. He's such a lovely person and a great friend of mine, Sarah. I've known him since I was a child.'

'And a very handsome young man, too, Miss' she replied, with a smile on her face. I blushed as she said this, and she suddenly became aware of this, giving me a quizzical expression. I looked away quickly, turning back to the looking glass. I had not thought before of Dickon being handsome. I had known him for so long that he was just 'Dickon' to me. Suddenly it dawned on me that Sarah was a young woman, too – only a year or so older than myself, and would no doubt have noticed Dickon from her time spent at Misseltwaite. Without knowing why, I felt a surge of jealousy pass through me as she called him 'handsome'. I suppose already, I was beginning to think of Dickon as mine and wondered if Sarah had noticed him, perhaps others had also?

'How long have you known Dickon, Sarah?' I asked, trying to keep my tone even.

She continued to pin my hair, talking as she worked.

'Oh, I wouldn't say 'known' Miss. He's just always around the house, and I've said hello to him a few times.' She looked at me then whispered 'a few of the maids find him quite handsome and often talk about him.' She giggled. 'I'm not surprised they have their eye on him. He's a lovely young man'.

I sat in silence digesting this information. I had no idea that Dickon had even been noticed by the housemaids. Then I realised that he ate his meals in the servants kitchen every day, which meant he probably interacted with them frequently.

'There we are Miss, finished!' Sarah exclaimed, handing me the looking glass so I could observe her handiwork. My hair was once more immaculately pinned and fashioned on my head, hiding the girl that had worked so happily in the garden, with her long hair down around her shoulders.

'Does my Uncle expect me soon, Sarah?' I asked her.

'Yes Miss, he said that you were to come straight up to his Library once you were ready.'
She turned and exited the room. I sat on my chair facing the dresser and it's looking glass, feeling both excited and sad. Somehow I knew that I had to see Dickon again, but when?

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It was dark outside when I entered my Uncle's Library. He was sitting behind his large, Mahogany desk, surrounded by countless books and papers. As long as I had known him, my Uncle had loved his books, and would spend many hours in his Library. He looked up and saw me standing by the door and motioned me to come in.

'Mary, come in child, come in.' He gestured to a leather armchair beside his desk and I sat down looking over at him.

Physically, my uncle had aged very little since I had first arrived at Misseltwaite over 5 years ago. He was still a tall man, despite the illness that afflicted him, and his hair was still devoid of grey. It was still long, and cascaded down past his shoulders. Unruly hair, much like Colin's, although Colin preferred to keep his hair in a shorter style, as was popular in London.

'So', he began 'I hear Mrs Medlock has been preparing you for your trip to London.'

'She has', I replied curtly, wondering where this was leading. My uncle was already aware of my thoughts on the subject, and although we hadn't spoken in depth since the time we argued about my future, I was sure he knew the depth of my feeling.

'I wanted to talk to you Mary', he said, turning towards nervously folding his slender hands together. 'I know you have not been happy about the thought of going to London, and I felt as though you deserved an explanation.'

'I would like to know why I have to go at all?', I exclaimed, feeling anger rising up within me.

'Yes, I'm sure you would, and I ought to tell you.' He fumbled around his desk, pouring himself a draft of spirits. I watched his smooth, pale hands tremble slightly as he took a drink, his face tensing at the bitter taste of the whiskey. He looked at me intently, studying my face.

'Mary, you look so much like your Mother... the older you get, the more you are coming to resemble her. Your Mother... she and Lilias were twins, you know.'

I had known this for some time, since I had found pictures of the two of them as a child while living with my parents in India. I nodded.

'I met her when I went to London for a season as a young man. Your Mother, Elizabeth was so bright and full of life, she had many men attracted to her. Lilias was more quiet and reserved, but had the kindest, most gentle nature you could imagine. She took time to speak to me when no one else would. It was through her that I learned the meaning of love and companionship. I was such a bitter and lonely man before I knew her, Mary, and having her in my life made me feel happier than I had ever thought possible. All I want to say is that I can only wish you the same happiness, which is why I am sending you to London. I want you to have the opportunity to meet a young man who will make you happy, and help provide for you after I am gone.'

My uncle continued.

'I'm so sorry if I have distressed you in any way, Mary, and I hope that one day you'll understand. There is just nothing for you here, and no way that I can ensure that you will find someone to love you how you deserve to be loved.'

I felt so confused. My uncle really did care about me, that much was certain. And how was he to know that I had fallen in love with Dickon and that all I needed was right here at Misseltwaite? Even more so, I was surprised that my uncle had opened up to me about his early life. I had never known much about his wife, Colin's mother, who had died giving birth to Colin. I had only known what I could glean from Colin, from Martha, Mrs Medlock, and the other servants. I looked at him, as he drank, and suddenly imagined him as a young man, hidden away from the world, and then finding love for the first time. I understood that he wasn't sending away because it would have been the wish of my parents, he was sending me away because he thought it would give me the same opportunity to find happiness as it had done for him.

'I understand, Uncle', I said, looking up at him and meeting his gaze. 'But if I go to London, I want to be able to come back to visit, and more often than Colin does.' I swallowed. 'I want to be able to spend time in my garden and with Dickon... and ...'

My uncle smiled warmly. 'My dear child, of course.'

'I just don't think I could stand being away from the garden for too long', I added.

'I understand', he said, 'but I think over time you'll find the Sutherlands to be excellent hosts. Not only that but London is teeming with life and exciting things for young people. I have no doubt that after a time you'll be finding life at Misseltwaite very dull indeed compared to the excitement of the city, and will not want to come back and visit your old Uncle'.

'No, I don't think so', I said firmly, showing no reaction to his humour.

'Anyway, come now', he said, getting up as if he hadn't heard me. 'You must be starving, and Cook has prepared a delicious meal for us. It will be one of our last meals together after all.'

He made his way to the door of the Library and I followed him, but I wasn't thinking about dinner, or of my Uncle or of going to London. I was thinking about Dickon. I had to see him, and soon, but how? I padded down the dark hallway, after my Uncle, noting how quiet my steps were in my silk slippers. A thought came to my mind. If I could walk this quietly through the house it wouldn't be difficult to creep out of my room, down the stairs and head outside tonight. No, I thought to myself, feeling a smile begin to form, it wouldn't be difficult at all.