My Secret, Chapter 3

Chapter 3:
When friendship becomes something more...

I pulled open the heavy curtains and felt the morning light break into the room, casting its beams on the heavy oak furniture of my bedroom. The morning was bright and fresh, the land green and still. I felt my spirits soar for a few seconds, and then reality caused them to come crashing down. I would be leaving all this behind, in less than a month, and this morning I had a wardrobe fitting with Mrs Medlock to look forward to.

Sarah had been my maid since Martha had left to get married, two years ago and I did not wait for her to come in and help me dress. I shrugged off my nightgown, shivering slightly in the cool air and stepped towards the washbasin on my nightstand. I splashed a little water on my face and under my arms, buttoned up my stays and pulled on the dress from yesterday, thinking of Mrs Medlock's comment while I was lacing up my muddy boots “Make a lady of her, indeed” she had said. And what would she say to me now, hair tousled and unbrushed, wearing the muddy boots from the garden and a dress that was stained in several places. With a smile something like satisfaction, I carefully opened the door and crept out into the hallway.
The walk outside was still, and I ran briskly, breathing in the fresh, crisp air and hearing no sound but for the crunching of my boots on the gravel, and the occasional early morning chirping of the robins and blackbirds. My heart was pounding at the thought of seeing him, and I thought once again to how his touch had felt last night. More than anything, I longed to see him. Dickon, my friend since childhood, felt like the last person I knew who really understood me.

I looked around me as I made my way through the paths to the secret garden. The leaves on the trees were beginning to colour and fall to the ground. It was the beginning of Autumn, and the slight chill that was in the air spoke of cold times to come. I shivered inwardly, feeling that if I was to leave Misselthaite, that I would become like the garden in winter – bitter, cold, devoid of colour – any life I had left locked away, waiting for spring.

I saw Dickon as soon as I pushed open the heavy door that lead to the secret garden. He was bent over his work, weeding the garden, and it looked as though he must have been there at least an hour before I arrived. He had a trowel in one hand and was pulling weeds out with a kind of fierce determination. He didn't see me approach, and I crept up softly behind him. I noticed that his cap was askew on his head and the sleeves of his shirt were rolled up. He was humming something under his breath, and I smiled. Seeing Dickon, working in our garden always made me feel happy – safe and secure in the knowledge that although the world kept changing around me, some things would always remain the same.

Slowly I crept up to him, resisting the urge to giggle. He had stopped humming, but was still concentrating intently on what he was doing. I got within two paces of him then heard him say with some amusement in his voice 'If tha was thinkin' of surprisin me lass, tha will have to do betta than that!' I laughed, and went to sit down at his side. 'Careful Miss Mary, ye will get yer dress all dirty like. here', he said taking off his woolen jersey from around his waist, and laying it on the ground beside him. 'sit on this, tis made a wool and will keep yer dress clean for ye.' He smiled and looked at me again 'although it looks like ye didna put too much attention to ye clothing this mornin'.

'Haha, very funny Dickon', I replied, 'you're insulting me for rushing down to meet you so early? what a terrible thing to say to a lady!'

'Ah, but not a lady yet...' then trailed off, his amusement dying away when he saw the hurt look pass over my eyes. 'I mean, er...'

'Thats alright', I said, looking down, thinking of Mrs Medlock's disparaging comment of the day before. Then thought 'well, if that's what being a lady is all about, then I don't want to be one!' I looked up. 'You know Dickon, they all think they can send me away and make me into “a lady” but I don't think I want to be a lady. If being a lady means wearing fancy gowns and paying calls and never getting my hands dirty, than I don't want to be one! I would much prefer to stay as I am, with the garden, and you, and...

I looked at Dickon then, and noticed his deep brown eyes. I suddenly felt a sadness overwhelm me and I looked away. Dickon's mouth was not smiling now. He looked up at me, slowly, gently 'Not everyone wants ye to leave, Miss Mary', he said sadly. I felt myself starting to tremble, my eyes welling up with tears. I tried in vain to hold them back, but one defiantly made its way down my cheek. I brushed it away, angry with myself for showing such weakness in front of Dickon. I had never liked him seeing me cry, and could not remember any other time that I had done it. He must have seen me wiping away my tears because he moved closer and put his arm around my shoulders. I hesitated at first, then leaned into him, and heard him say over and over 'Hush lass, it will all work out. You'll see, hush now Miss Mary.'

I felt an infinite sadness come over me, where there had only been beauty and wonder at the world. I saw myself, in years hence, bored and alone at countless dinner parties and other meaningless social gatherings. Swamped in lace, with my hands encased in gloves, with servants to follow my every order. Trapped like a bird in a cage with nowhere to go and no escape, no garden, and ... no Dickon. I cried out my frustration and anger, but becoming more aware of his soothing words and arm around my shoulders. The very presence of him, and his warm body both comforted and soothed me, until I wiped my eyes one final time, trying to regain my composure. 'Ah, I'm sorry Dickon', I said, my voice still trembling. 'I'm just so upset right now with everyone, and I feel so angry.'

He looked down on me then and smiled softly 'Although something tells me yer not angry at everyone', he said in a soft voice, and tightened his arm around me.

'No Dickon, of course not', I said sadly, then looked up at him 'You are my dearest friend, I hope you know that'.

His gaze became serious, and he said to me in a voice barely above a whisper 'And you are mine, Miss Mary.'

Looking back later, I think that was the first moment it happened. Something like magic passed between us both at that moment. The kind of magic that you feel when you are immersed in beauty – when you can see life and all it's possibilities around you. I looked into his eyes and saw their deep infinity, and a feeling passed over me. I felt as though the moment could last forever, I felt like I wanted to remain with Dickon, with his arm around mine. How odd that feeling was, but how lovely it was. Then I felt something else, an urgency, a feeling that his eyes caused within me, and I suddenly felt overwhelmed by feeling and moved away, not knowing what I should do. Dickon must have felt it also, because he pulled away from me, and began to gather up his gardening tools.

'Ah... excuse me, Miss Mary, but I have to...'

'Oh, don't worry, Dickon', I broke in, my voice unnaturally high. You have to report for duty, and everything. Er... I have to go too,' I smiled, but it felt false 'Shopping with Mrs Medlock. I had better not keep her waiting. I will see you later.'

I got up and turned away just then, walking towards the door of the garden, and feeling horribly confused. When I reached the door I looked back at him and saw him looking after me with a searching look in his face, his cap still slightly tilted, the trowel still in his hands. His image appeared to impress itself on my mind. Feeling my heart racing and my emotions in turmoil, I pulled the door open, slipped through the ivy covered walls, and was gone.