My Secret, Chapter 15

Chapter 15:
Trying to hold on

It all seemed so absurd now, so very absurd. I was in tears again, and I knew I would have to face them all sooner or later. I couldn't hide away in here forever. With trembling hands I picked up a pen, pausing only to wet the nib with ink.

Dear Dickon, I wrote.

I have something I need to tell you, and I'm afraid it cannot wait until I come home. I need to tell someone now, otherwise I feel as though I'll go insane. More than anything I wish you were here now. I feel so lost and alone and -

I shivered as a memory flashed through my mind. It was earlier in the evening and I was standing in the bedroom, and he was coming towards me... his large frame looming closer through the darkness.

- and scared. I feel scared, Dickon, and I can't remember when I last felt this afraid. I have to get out of here, I have to go!
It all started out as expected. Remember that party I had told you about? the birthday party for Samantha and I? well it all began as one would expect – the socialising, the speeches, being introduced to numerous people ... I hadn't expected anything like this to happen. Oh Dickon, where do I begin?

Downstairs, through the doorway I could hear the sounds of music and merriment, of people talking and laughing. I didn't feel as though I would ever laugh again. I couldn't stop shaking, my happiness feeling as though it had dissippated into the blackness of the night outside. I picked up the pen and began to write.

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Five hours hence...

“Girls, you'll be expected downstairs very shortly.”

Mrs Sutherland's voice rose up the stairs to meet us. Sam and I were in our bedroom, giggling over the thought of the party that was soon to commence, making the final adjustments to our appearance.

“Mary, I simply know I look frightful!” Sam said, turning from the large mirror that adorned our dressing table. She had a hairpin between her teeth and her brow was furrowed. “Look at this dress!” she pulled up the fabric and frowned. “Lilac just isn't my colour at all!”

I looked down at my own dress (in a self-conscious imitation of Sam, I had no doubt), purchased a few days before. A shade of pale peach, with short sleeves and a tiny waist - which was achieved only by the severest tight lacing. It really was a beautiful dress, complete with bead work on the bodice and flowing skirts. The dressmaker of course, had explained that the lack of breath from the tight lacing was a sacrifice the wearer of the dress had no choice but to make. I was not used to having my movements so constricted, and longed for the night to end so that I could loosen my corset and take a deep breath.

“I hear you Sam, but there really isn't anything we can do about it now. Besides, I think the colour suits you. I don't know why you worry so much.”

“I worry because I know that I look an absolute fright! and everyone is going to be here tonight, staring and pointing. Don't you realise we're going to be the centre of attention and everyone is going to want to talk to us? oh, I wish I'd been able to convince Mother to buy me the red dress instead.”

The red dress she was speaking of was one Mrs Sutherland had promptly turned her nose up at, deeming it 'not suitable' for young ladies – which no doubt had something to do with the plunging neckline of the gown.

I reached up and gently took the hairpin out of her mouth, pinning it up in her hair, and soothing back a loose tendril. She smiled nervously at me and I took her hands in mine.

“There is nothing to worry about.” I said, gripping her hands tightly and looking directly into her dark eyes. “You look beautiful, Sam. And if I hear any more complaints I'm going to refuse to come downstairs and you'll have to face the whole party yourself.”

She giggled, seeming for the while, to relax a little.

“Why don't we just go downstairs and get the whole thing over with?” I said, taking a moment to look at her earnestly, although my voice was not without humour. I for one was looking forward to the end of the party, and being able to steal a few minutes away at the end of the night to pen some more lines to Dickon.

“Well... as long as you promise not to leave me alone with Grandmother's bridge friends. They are such a bore!”

I smiled inwardly, thinking of Sam surrounded by old ladies with disapproving looks in their eyes. Thank god she wasn't allowed to get that red dress, I thought, although I would have loved to see the reaction it would undoubtedly have provoked.

“I'm sure that can be arranged. Come on, let's go downstairs together and dazzle them with our youth and brilliance!” I took her hand and lead her towards the door. “They won't know what's hit them!”

She seemed to relax and allowed me to lead her from the bedroom. I gripped her hand tightly in mine, feeling the warmth of her skin steal through the satin gloves she wore. I breathed a sigh of relief. I had got through the entire day without once having to look at her scars.

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We were greeted to the sight of the house magically transformed. I gasped as we walked downstairs. It was like walking into a magical fairyland. All through the large hallway, lamps were lit, casting a soft glow over the paintings and sculptures that adorned the Sutherland's hallway. Fresh flowers had been placed strategically in vases, their scent filling the air with perfume. We reached the sitting room to find it full of people – most of whom I had never met. We were greeted by a smile from William, who was standing with a group of young men, and an admiring Colin who seemed hooked on William's every word, bursting with rambancious laughter whenever William made a witty comment.

'Well, don't the two of you look lovely', he said. 'I hardly recognised you, little sister. And Miss Lennox, you look lovelier than ever.' He reached down and took my hand and kissed it.

'Perhaps later in the evening you will allow me to escort you in a dance?' I blushed furiously, unused to the attention. I looked up at Sam for advice, but she was busy talking to one of William's friends, laughing, and seemingly for the moment over her previous self consciousness.

'I don't see why I can't.' I said eventually. 'Assuming you know how to dance, of course.'

I paused, feeling a little silly. Of course William would know how to dance. I swallowed and looked up at him. 'you may have to teach me. I don't have much experience with dancing... we ah... didn't do much of that at Misselthwaite.'

'I can assure you it would be my pleasure to teach you.' he said, softly, holding my gaze in his until I tore my eyes away.

The music had started up again, led by the small orchestra in the corner of the room. We had been at the party for almost two hours, and within that time had been introduced to numerous friends of the Sutherland's, and had partaken in cutting our birthday cake – a large extravagant thing, decorated with white icing and flowers. Mrs Sutherland had organised a photographer to be present, and he asked us to pause with our hands on the knife while he took our photo. We stood together, smiling, while our smiles were captured in time. The flash of the camera went off, illuminating our faces and everyone clapped. There was a particularly enthusiastic display from William and his friends, who were standing towards the back of the room.

Now everyone was pairing off and beginning to dance, and as I stood speaking to Sam and some of Mrs Sutherland's friends, I noticed William beginning to make his way over towards us. He seemed to be a little unsteady on his feet, and his smile was wide, spreading over his face as he saw me.

'The lovely Miss Lennox!', he said bowing. 'May I have the pleasure of a dance?'

I giggled slightly to see him bowing in front of me. 'I'm afraid you will have to show me the steps. I do not know how to dance.'

'Certainly – it would be my pleasure.' he held out his arm and looked at me expectantly. I took it, and together we walked towards the dance floor.

When we reached the crowd of people, moving in time to the music, he took my hands in his.
'Now, you put one hand on my waist like this, and the other on my shoulder. Now simply follow me in time to the music.'

'You make it sound so easy.' I commented, smiling.

'That's because it is easy.' he replied, placing one hand on the small of my back. With the other firmly on my shoulder, he pulled me closer towards him and we began to move to the music.
I felt rather odd at being pulled towards him – I had not been this close to a man since Dickon, and I felt a little self conscious. I could feel his hand firmly on my back, and for the first time wondered about his motives when he had asked me to dance. However, it was only a fleeting thought and I was sure he viewed me as nothing more than a friend of the family – and thought of me in the same way I thought of him. Besides, we had rarely ever had a chance to speak before, and of all the Sutherlands I felt as though I knew him the least. I was pleased he was teaching me how to dance, but at the same time I was looking forward to the dance ending and getting back to Sam. I glanced over to where she was standing and she waved at me, smiling. I smiled back at her, then she turned back to the conversation. I heard one of Mrs Sutherland's friends laughing. Sam must have said something funny, I thought, knowing her and her sarcastic sense of humour. I had no doubt that she was as uncomfortable with the entire event as I was.

'You dance beautifully... Mary.' he said, leaning down to whisper into my ear. 'I find it hard to believe that you didn't know how.'

I couldn't think of a proper response, and something about his tone made me blush.

'Thank you', I mumbled in response, not knowing what else to say. He continued to whirl me around the room. Around us, brightly clothed women were moving, their hair and dress glittering like diamonds. He whirled me around so fast that I almost shrieked. Breaking away, I stopped to catch my breath and then began to laugh.

'I didn't know dancing could be this exhausting!' I exclaimed.

'Come on!' he replied, teasingly. 'Surely you can't be tired yet? we've only been dancing for five minutes!'

He pulled me back into his arms, spinning me towards the centre of the ballroom floor.

'It is so loud in here...' he said, trailing off, looking over my shoulder. We had neared the orchestra and I could barely hear him as he said 'perhaps we should go somewhere... quieter... just the two of us.'

'I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch what you said.' I answered loudly, feeling suddenly nervous at the thought of being alone with him. All of a sudden I wanted nothing more than to head back to Sam, who was still waiting for me with Mrs Sutherland's friends.

He leaned over and spoke into my ear, and I smelt the alcohol on his breath. 'I said, perhaps we should go somewhere where we can be... alone.'

'I...But Sam is waiting for me. I promised her I wouldn't leave her alone for too long.'

I felt him stiffen in my arms, but all he said was 'of course, it wouldn't do to take you away from your party now, would it?'

We danced on in silence, until the song had finished, and I used the opportunity to break away from him.

'Thank you for teaching me how to dance.' I said, giving him what I hoped to be a dazzling smile. 'but I really must return to Sam now.'

'I cannot tempt you to join me for another?'

'No, but thank you all the same.'

He shrugged. 'As you wish'.

He offered his arm to me and I placed my own through it, and he led me away from the dance floor, back to the raucous group of women that Sam had been entertaining.

'Thank you for the dance, it was a pleasure', he said, and then departed without saying another word.

'Ah Mary! thank god', Sam whispered loudly, slipping my arm into hers.

I glanced back towards William, once more, and saw him now standing silently with his friends, a whiskey tumbler in his hand. He quickly downed the amber liquid with a grimace and then stood, eyeing me silently. I felt uneasy and quickly turned away, wondering why I suddenly felt as though I had done something to upset him.

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“I'll be right back, Sam,” I whispered to her.

“I'll hold you to your word.” she murmured to me, before turning back to her Grandmother's friends.

I made my way quickly out of the room, needing to be alone. All night I had been conversing and making small talk with various friends of the Sutherlands. I felt exhausted, and in need of a few quiet moments to myself.

The stairway was empty, and I headed slowly upstairs to our bedroom, pausing every so often to catch my breath, cursing at the tight lacing of my gown. Not only did it make breathing difficult, but it made it virtually impossible to move anywhere with great haste. I sighed with anticipation at the thought of removing it, wondering if my ribs would ever sufficiently recover.
What would you make of all this, Dickon? I wondered as I entered our bedroom. All the guests, all the society beauties and the flowers and crystal goblets? I sighed, knowing where I would rather be. Safe with Dickon on the Moor, with the only fragrance being that of the heather in bloom.

It was dark inside, save for the dim light of a candle that we had lit earlier. I made my way over to the dresser and reached inside for the handful of letters that Dickon had sent to me. Reaching down into the bottom of the drawer I was surprised to realise that they were not there. Frowning I searched again with my hand, feeling a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I froze as I heard the sound of a low chuckle coming from behind me. I scarcely dared to move, but forced myself to turn around, hoping that I'd just imagined it. My blood ran cold with terror when, out of the corner of my eye, I saw William, standing in the darkness, his form outlined by the weak candlelight.

'Looking for something?' he slurred. Still shocked I glanced down and saw that he was holding my treasured letters from Dickon in his outstretched hand, with a malicious grin spread across his features.

'What are you doing here?' I whispered, moving further back into my seat, all of my instincts telling me to run.

'I got bored with your party.' he snapped. 'and came up here to see what the two of you have been up to. Little did I realise what an interesting discovery I would make.'

'How dare you!' I said softly. 'You've been looking through my things. Those letters are private.'

'So I see,' he chuckled, holding out one of the letters. He cleared his throat: 'My dear Mary, I ache to see you, to hold you in my arms. Every day without you feels like an eternity....' lord, this reads just like those romance novels my dear sisters are always burying their heads in.' He laughed 'and to top it all off, it is from none other than the garden boy himself, the infamous Dickon! oh wouldn't my parents love to know who you've been corresponding with – and being quite intimate with, by the sounds of it.'

I froze as he made his way towards me. 'You've got no right to be here.' I said, trying to sound braver than I felt. I began to tremble, with both anger and fear. 'Those letters are private and are none of your business.'

'Oh I think you're mistaken.' he replied silkily, 'I know your secret, and I'm sure you wouldn't want it to end up in the wrong hands...' he shook his head in a parody of sympathy. 'Dear me, I'd hate to think what your uncle would have to say about this. I'm sure he couldn't imagine his innocent young niece capable of such improper behaviour.'

'Get out.' I said, my voice shaking. 'Get out right now!'

'You know, I don't think that I will.' He slurred. 'I think you and I have some unfinished business to attend to.'

'I don't know what you're talking about.' I said, and got up off the seat and straightened up, my heart pounding. 'Get out of this room or I'll -'

'Or you'll what?' he smirked, edging closer to me. 'Call my parents, my sister? what do you think they will think of you when they discover you in such a compromising position? especially after I tell them that it was you who seduced me and begged me to come up here with you.'

'They'd never believe that!' I almost shouted at him, feeling tears welling up in my eyes. 'I'm sure they're all aware of what a cad you are!'

'But I've no doubt they would believe my word over yours... especially when they discover the nature of your relationship with that gardening boy.' he spat, anger contorting his features into ugliness. 'and to think, all that time I thought you wanted me – when it was him you were thinking about, pining away after. You come into our family and lead me on – flirt with me all night long at the party, and then I discover that you already have a little paramour.' He strode quickly over to me and I backed away, feeling more frightened than I ever had in my life. I made towards the doorway, but he grabbed hold of my arm, roughly pulling me towards him.

'Now, now, my lovely. That will never do.' I struggled to break free of his grip, but felt him pull me tighter towards him, pressing me up against his body. He was tall, much taller than I was, and strong. 'I think I might need to teach you a lesson – although you are no doubt already well educated in the subject.' I cried out and struggled more fiercely as he reached his head down to kiss me. He brutally and forcefully pulled me into an embrace, the smell of alcohol strong and overpowering. I gasped when he finally broke free, and catching him unawares, slapped him hard across the face.

'You little bitch,' he spat, his features contorting with anger. 'you'll pay for that.'

We struggled together, he grasped my wrists painfully, caught me off balance, and threw me down on the bed. I struggled valiantly against him, but he was too strong. He pinned me down beneath him, leaving me struggling to breathe. Tears streaked down my face, as I gulped back sobs. My pleas for him to release me went unheard as he pushed my dress up and thrust himself between me.

'I think it's time for you to learn what happens when you play with fire.' he whispered cruelly.

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'Mary, Mary? are you in there? is everything alright?'

I heard the door slowly creak open, and a few seconds later Sam's anxious face appeared.

'There you are. I knew you wanted to be alone for a while, but you've been gone an awfully long time and I've been wondering where you were. What have you - ' Her voice cut off sharply as she came closer and noticed me sprawled out on the bed. Taking in my tear-stained face, tussled hair and clothing she quickly came over and took my hand. 'Mary! what happened? oh Mary, what's wrong?'

The sobs within my throat rose up, which made replying impossible. Instead I reached over and pulled her towards me, my despair washing over me in waves.

'He, He...'

'Who did this to you, Mary?' Sam said softly.

'I... I can't talk about it.' I finished. 'Just please go down and make my excuses to everyone ... please Sam...'

'I don't want to leave you!' she said, 'look at you! something awful has happened... oh Mary, please tell me what it is.'

'I can't Sam', I cried, 'Just go please.'

She finally left, after promising that she would come back as soon as she could. As soon as she left I got up, wincing from the pain that seemed to come from deep inside me, and locked the door, pure fear sweeping over me at the thought of him returning. I walked over to the mirror, still feeling as though this was just a nightmare that I would wake up from. I would open my eyes and it would be morning, and I would be in my bedroom at Misselthwaite, and all of this would just be a bad dream. It had to be, what just happened couldn't have happened. In shock I looked into the mirror at the tear-stained face of the stranger staring back at me. My hair, which had been so neatly pinned and decorated was dishevelled, and my gown was slightly torn in places and some of the beadwork had become loose. I sat down at the dressing table, and without thinking about it, picked up a fresh sheet of paper and pen, and began writing to the one person I knew I could trust, pausing only to wipe away rogue tears.

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'Miss Lennox is indisposed.' I heard Sam say to Charlotte, as she stood in the doorway. 'I will help her to undress tonight.'

Her voice came to me like the whisper of someone across the distance of a vast ocean. I was laying in bed, still fully dressed, my mind receding. I felt as though I was sinking further and further down, into a darkness that was all encompassing.

Soft hands found me and stroked my feverish forehead. 'Shhhhh...' Sam whispered, slowly pulling me up and coming behind me to unbutton my gown. I felt her eyes taking in the rips and tears, but she said nothing. She pushed my gown down and set about loosening the strings of my corset. 'Does that feel better?' she asked softly. I couldn't answer but nodded a reply, holding my hands stiffly at my side. I felt incapable of moving, and patiently, Sam held up my nightgown, and gently slipped it over my head. I poked my arms through, automated motions that seemed to have very little direction from me. Quietly, she lead me towards the bed we now shared and got in beside me, reaching out her arm and pulling me towards her. At that point I gave in and sobbed. I cried for Dickon, for my home, and for my loss of innocence, knowing that things could never be the same ever again.